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ISBN: Print 978-1-64611-972-1 | eBook 978-1-64611-973-8

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To my husband, daughter, fellow “MINTies,” and all my amazing social work friends and colleagues.

How To Use This Workbook on an Ebook Device

If you’re reading this workbook on a touch-screen device, you can add notes and highlight text just like you would in a physical workbook.

Some sections will prompt you to write in answers or personal responses. It’s easy—give it a try right here: ___________.

With your finger, tap and hold for a few moments on the line above. Depending on the device you’re using, an icon such as a magnifying glass will appear. Lift your finger and you’ll see an options menu. Select “Note” (or “Notes”) to add and save your own text. When you’re done, an icon or highlighted area will remain, which you can always return to and tap if you want to reopen and read or edit your note.

The same tap-and-hold options menu offers “Highlight” or “Color,” which you can select if you want to highlight a passage or “check” a box. Experiment with it: By swiping your finger before releasing you can select entire sentences or paragraphs. The options menu also offers “Bookmark” for when you want quick access back to certain pages.

This method is the same on nearly all touch-screen ebook devices, but some have slight variations. If you’d like more information specific to the device you’re holding in your hands, a quick online search will yield best results.

Introduction and How to Use This Book

MAKING THE KINDS OF BEHAVIORAL CHANGES that help us achieve certain goals can feel like climbing a mountain or stepping over a molehill. Odds are, if you are reading this book, it feels more like a mountain. Whether you’ve decided to make some changes because your loved ones are concerned for you or out of your own desire to live differently, motivational interviewing is an approach that can help you sort out your goals, think things through, and move toward change.

This book is about taking personal steps toward change. It will help you build your motivation, clarify your commitment to reaching your goals, and become empowered to take charge of exactly how you change. It’s a resource you can come back to as you’re working to change your behavior in order to reach your goal. I encourage you to work through the book in order, section by section, the first time you read it. After you’ve developed your Action Plan in part 4, you can revisit any of the chapters to help you with any particular aspects of motivation you are struggling with.

Who am I to write a book about motivation? I assure you I don’t have any special powers. I struggle with change as much as the next person. I’m a bit overweight. I tend to procrastinate. I’m forgetful. I don’t always know how to help my teenage daughter cope with rude and insensitive classmates. But I do have experience applying an approach called motivational interviewing. I’ve been a licensed clinical social worker since 1997, working in a variety of fields such as addictions, family preservation, juvenile/criminal justice, and mental health. I was first trained in motivational interviewing in 2003 while working on my PhD in social work. I was immediately attracted to the way this approach guides people toward change. I’m not in the business of telling people what to do. Instead, I help them figure out what they want to do.

After using this approach and training other people across a variety of fields, including juvenile justice staff, teachers, and even health coaches, I decided to pursue more education. I applied to the Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers, the international organization for motivational interviewing trainers. In 2016, after a rigorous application process, I was accepted and began the process of becoming a motivational interviewing trainer. Since then, I have conducted more than 60 workshops related to motivational interviewing. I’m pleased to share my insights and strategies gleaned from years of experience, training, and education.

Let’s get started.

PART I

All About Motivational Interviewing

You are about to embark on a journey. No matter what changes you are thinking about making (or someone else wants you to make), this book will help you explore the what, why, and how. Many of us think about change from the perspective of either you do it or you don’t, but that’s not quite right. This is more than simply making the decision to change or having the right amount of information and knowledge. The process is more often like a marathon than a sprint. This book will help you think about motivation differently, and guide you from not thinking about change to thinking about change to planning for change.

What Is Motivational Interviewing?

According to William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, the psychologists who developed motivational interviewing, the practice is a “collaborative conversation style for strengthening a person’s own motivation and commitment to change.” Therapists, counselors, psychologists, and clinical social workers use this approach, as do many health care providers, child welfare workers, health coaches, and even teachers and direct care workers in a variety of clinical, educational, and social service settings. Miller and Rollnick first developed the approach in the early 1980s, primarily to address problematic drinking using a nonconfrontational style. This led to the 1991 publication of the first edition of Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People to Change Addictive Behavior. They soon discovered that motivational interviewing wasn’t only helpful for people who were struggling with drinking; it also worked for people who lacked motivation to change a variety of behaviors. In 2013, Miller and Rollnick published the third edition of their book, now called Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change. The new title reflects a broader approach to a wider range of challenges and goals.

This book will do more than help you understand motivation; it will also provide strategies on how to increase your own motivation for change. Motivation is complex. Making a change requires you to be willing, able, and ready. Feeling willing is the first step. Recognizing that something should change shows a willingness and openness to doing things differently. Next is confidence in your ability to make a change. Change is hard, and you have to feel up to the task. Being ready requires a sense of urgency and a desire to prioritize. This is generally the last piece to fall into place. We often say someone “just isn’t ready.” It doesn’t mean they have no motivation or are in denial. It just may not be important enough yet. Let’s look at an example.

Brad knew for a long time that his spending habits were leading him into trouble. He didn’t create a budget each month, so he never thought about saving for big purchases or looked at how much he spent dining out. If Brad wanted something, he used his credit card to buy it. After years of making minimum payments on three different credit cards, Brad had no savings and consistently overspent every month. He was living paycheck to pay-check. Seeing the cost of his behavior, Brad recognized a problem—he was willing to think about handling his finances differently. Facing bankruptcy, Brad felt a need to deal with this problem and set a goal to get his finances back in order. He swallowed his pride and attended a financial planning seminar, which made him feel more able to tackle his problem. Inspired with some confidence, he decided he was ready to get his budget in order. He followed the steps provided in the program’s workbook and made a plan to reach his goal.

Brad completed and followed his budget, month after month, and gradually his debt dwindled and his self-confidence increased. It wasn’t easy, and he made mistakes along the way. But he kept coming back to his budget and looking for ways to remain on top of his money, especially when he decided it was time to get married.

How Can Motivational Interviewing Help Me?

Motivational interviewing isn’t about coercing, convincing, or bribing you to change. It’s about strengthening your own desires, abilities, reasons, and need for change. The process of motivational interviewing can help you figure out what you want to change in your life, why you might change it, and, finally, how to make that change.

Notice the how part comes last? Too often, we work on how first, rushing to fix a problem before we’ve even committed to the goal of solving it. But fully understanding your goal and why you want to pursue it before taking any action will make you more likely to achieve it.

Don’t believe me? See if this example resonates. Have you ever decided you wanted to lose weight and told a friend right away? Did your friend then give you all kinds of (unsolicited) advice on how to go about losing that dreaded weight? Advice that you found overwhelming and possibly discouraging? Trying to figure out how you’re going to achieve a goal before you’ve fully committed to it often leads to a plan you won’t stick with, steps that don’t work the way you want them to, and general frustration and confusion. That’s why it’s so important to strengthen your desires, abilities, reasons, and needs for change before you begin pursuing a plan.

Open-ended questions (which you will find plenty of in this book) are one of the ways practitioners help you think through the change process. You can use this book as a stand-alone guide or in conjunction with your practitioner, who can provide additional guidance for understanding yourself better. Because they’re open-ended, some of the questions may seem similar, but try not to skip them—you never know which one will trigger a breakthrough.

HELP WITH DECISION-MAKING

If you are reading this book, you are likely feeling ambivalent about making a particular change. Maybe you’ve talked with close friends or family members about the potential change. We often discuss important decisions like buying a car, purchasing a home, changing jobs, or choosing which air fryer to buy. Seeking to understand your options and the expected impact of the choice is part of an effective decision-making process. It’s difficult to make important changes if we don’t make a clear decision about the change. It’s even more difficult to change if we don’t take the time to think. Motivational interviewing will help you think through this decision, especially when you are not committed to one choice or another. This is ambivalence.

EVERYONE FEELS AMBIVALENT

Ambivalence is a fancy way of saying you have contradictory feelings about a situation and aren’t sure what to do. It basically means, “I want to, but I don’t.”

→I want to exercise more often in the mornings, but I also want to sleep in.

→I know I should eat less junk food, but healthy foods are boring.

→I need to stop feeling angry all the time, but nothing seems to work out for me.

Part of you recognizes you should change something about your actions, but another part is still attached to the old ways, no matter how uncomfortable they are. This is normal. This is part of being human.

TO CHANGE OR NOT TO CHANGE? STORIES OF AMBIVALENCE

The good news is, recognizing the problem is the first step. After all, why would you change something you don’t think is a problem? Maybe your spouse thinks it’s a problem. Maybe your doctor, your boss, or your teenager wants you to change. If you are ambivalent, a piece of you wants to change, needs to change, or wonders whether change could and should happen.

LORRAINE

Lorraine is an 85-year-old widow residing in Fox Hollow, Arizona. Her two grown children live far away. Her daughter, who lives in Texas, has invited Lorraine to move closer so they can spend more time together. Lorraine thinks this is a viable option, and she would love to see her only grandchild more frequently. But she isn’t sure she is ready to leave the home she has lived in for almost 25 years. Lorraine and her late husband, Bernie, moved to their adult living community when he retired, and they built a comfortable two-bedroom home in a gated community.

Since Bernie passed away three years earlier, Lorraine has been left to take care of the property on her own, which she finds overwhelming. Yet, Fox Hollow is all she’s known for many years. It’s where Lorraine’s doctors are, as well as her favorite stores, her hairdresser, and the bowling alley and church where she socializes. Starting over in Texas seems anything but comfortable.

JACK

Jack is a 45-year-old married man who works as a safety officer at a local chemical plant. Recently, he participated in a workplace health screening and, to his surprise, learned his blood pressure was very high: 150/100. The nurse who took Jack’s blood pressure explained he needed to make an appointment with a health care provider, change his diet, and lose at least 25 pounds in order to lower his blood pressure to a healthy range.

Jack left the appointment feeling concerned and overwhelmed. As he drove, he replayed the discussion with the nurse and thought about his situation. He had noticed that his weight had been creeping up over the past few years. He had once been a regular exerciser and healthy eater, but since his daughter was born five years ago, he just hasn’t had the time to get to the gym regularly. He was also recently promoted at work and now goes in earlier and stays later. The extra money is great for his family, but the additional hours and stress are contributing to his elevated blood pressure. Finding time to exercise will be difficult. Between his long workdays and need to focus on his home and family on weekends, Jack is pessimistic about fitting in regular workouts. Maybe he could eat healthier, he thinks, yet finding time to meal plan and cook might be challenging.

CHERYL

Cheryl is a 63-year-old retired accountant who smokes one pack of cigarettes a day. She started smoking when she was 20. Over the past 43 years, Cheryl has made multiple attempts to quit, including nicotine patches, prescription medications, and plans for cutting back, but nothing quite sticks. When her children were young, Cheryl cut down to five cigarettes a day, but as soon as they started school, she was back to a full pack.

Every year, Cheryl’s physician encourages her to stop smoking, and she understands she is at risk of developing serious health problems like emphysema or even lung cancer if she continues. She knows that if she quit smoking, she would feel better. Quitting would also help her save money, as cigarettes are expensive. On the other hand, she has smoked her entire adult life and doesn’t know what she would do if she stopped. She smokes when she’s stressed. She smokes when she’s angry. She smokes when she’s bored. Cheryl feels disappointed in herself and is ready to give up trying to quit for good. She is at a crossroads and confused as to which way to go. It’s such a hard decision.

JUAN

Juan is a 23-year-old college junior majoring in sports medicine. Until recently, Juan had planned to go on to graduate school to pursue a doctorate in physical therapy, but now he’s not sure he will even finish his sports medicine degree. Juan started college when he was 18, balancing a rigorous academic load with a busy work schedule. He prides himself on not having any college debt, even though some semesters he could only afford to go to school part time. Currently, he is the assistant night manager at a local bar. Recently, his boss has offered him the job of general manager. Juan is unsure if he should complete his degree and pursue his dream of becoming a physical therapist or accept the general manager position.

On one hand, he has spent most of his life dreaming about becoming a physical therapist. When he was young, a physical therapist helped his grandfather learn to walk again after a stroke; since then, Juan has wanted to pay it forward and help others. He has worked hard over the past five years and earned a 3.75 GPA. On the other hand, the general manager’s job will double his current salary and provide him health insurance and a retirement plan. But he feels that if he takes this job, he may never complete this degree. He still has another year of classes to complete in order to earn his bachelor’s degree, and he’ll need to attend three years of graduate school after that. He knows that in the long run, he will make more as a physical therapist and have more job security. It’s a big decision.

EMMA

Emma and Rodney have been living together for three years. They both work full time in the service industry at a busy downtown restaurant. Neither has a college education, and Emma has never seen herself as someone who would be successful in a career. Recently, however, she has begun to think about working in health care. Several specialty clinics have opened in the area around the restaurant. Many of Emma’s customers come to the restaurant wearing scrubs, and she has asked about what they do. One of the patrons explained that she is an office manager, and that there is a demand for certified billing and coding specialists. The woman tells Emma that she can get a certificate in about 10 months from an online program. Emma thanks her for the information and says she will think about it.

Excited about a possible career outside of waitressing, Emma looks into some programs and presents her idea to Rodney. He becomes very angry and asks why she would want to mess things up by going to school. Rodney berates her and tells her he won’t allow her to attend any school, online or otherwise. Heartbroken, Emma considers what would happen if she pursued the certificate anyway. But, fearing Rodney’s reaction, Emma isn’t confident she can stand up to him.

Motivational Interviewing Helps You Think Things Through

This book is not intended to trick you into making a particular change. You probably already have enough pressure from other people in your life. The choice is up to you. Whatever changes you are thinking about making are completely up to you. The exercises in this book will simply help you think through your options, examine your reasons, and begin the process once you choose your path.

I’ve given you the short version of what motivational interviewing is and how it helps resolve ambivalence. This book is not a cure-all, but it’s a great start. Along with some cognitive behavioral strategies, the spirit of motivational interviewing and the multifaceted concept of motivation will guide you through the exercises in the next three chapters. Part 2 helps you examine where you are now and begin to explore some possible goals.

Can I Do Motivational Interviewing on My Own?

Kind of. This book will help you think about the same kinds of things a therapist might ask. Depending on the behavior or decision you need to make, this book can help you decide to take action. It will also help you think about why the change might be important. A therapist, however, can help you see a little deeper into what this change might mean for you, as well as help you figure out what your strengths are, what your struggles are, and how you will get to your goal. Therapists can act like a mirror, helping their patients see themselves more clearly and gain a deeper understanding.

PART II

Where Am I Now?

You probably have some ideas about what aspects of your life you want to change. Maybe you have a particular goal but are struggling to achieve it. Perhaps you have several ideas for changes but feel overwhelmed and unsure where to start. This section helps you think through whether you want to change, pinpoint what you hope to change, identify your obstacles, and explore why you want to make a change. Refining your ultimate goal will help you discover the change that will mean most to you and prepare you to become ready and confident to tackle it. By the end of this section, you will have the necessary tools to help you make a decision and clarify what you plan to change and why.

What Am I Thinking Through?

At this point, you might not have a clear target for change. You might have a general area of concern related to your physical health, mental or emotional well-being, relationships, or finances. You might be thinking about several behaviors to change in each of these areas. It’s hard to know where to start, and the goal might seem far away. You’re not struggling because you’re wrong, or stupid, or inadequate. The decision to change is more than just a single decision. It’s many decisions. Beating yourself up for not making a change is not helpful. Nor is pressure from your loved ones, your doctor, your friends, your boss, or anyone else in your life.

In fact, overt pressure from others often has the opposite effect. The more they push, the less likely we are to change. Support and encouragement shouldn’t feel like coercion and bullying. No one can make you change. The irony is that accepting where we are frees us to change.

What Is My Goal?

Goals are important. Pursuing goals helps us feel fulfilled, satisfied, and happy and gives meaning and purpose to our lives. But achieving a goal isn’t easy, especially when you’re not fully committed to it. Why is it so often a struggle? Common reasons include:

→I don’t have enough time.

→It’s too hard.

→I’m afraid.

Perhaps your goal was to eat healthier, get more organized, or cut back on drinking. Your decision might include one of these actions, but you still felt uncommitted to working on the new behavior. If we go a little deeper into why this change might be important to you, we can uncover a more meaningful goal.

For example, Emma wants to pursue a career that her boyfriend does not support. When Emma thought more deeply about the importance of this goal, she realized she does not want to depend financially on Rodney, who often controls the money they both make. Her desire to return to school and launch a career is part of her ultimate goal to be more self-sufficient.

I want you to dig deeper, underneath your desired change. Take some time to envision your ideal self. If you could wave a magic wand and solve all your problems and concerns overnight, what would your life be like the next morning? What would be different? This is your Big Picture. Write down some ideas here. We’ll look more closely at this later.

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WHAT’S GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY GOAL?

As you think about your goal, it’s also important to think about what might get in the way of achieving it. Barriers can take multiple forms. There can be internal barriers, such as low confidence, lack of knowledge, or competing priorities. There can also be external ones, like lack of support, financial resources, or opportunity. While thinking about your barriers, don’t get disheartened. Successful change rarely occurs without overcoming specific obstacles.

Jack, the 45-year-old plant worker with high blood pressure, knows he needs to lose weight and start exercising but wonders how he will be able to make these changes within his current lifestyle. His external obstacles include a busy work schedule and family obligations. Jack’s internal obstacles include a lack of confidence that he can fit in exercise and meal planning without sacrificing time with his family.

Juan, the 23-year-old college student and bartender, wants to be a physical therapist but is also considering the opportunity to make more money as general manager. One external obstacle he’s facing is limited financial resources to complete his education. The internal obstacles are his waning hope and confidence that he can finish his degree. Juan’s desire to feel less financially and mentally stressed is becoming more important than his dream of becoming a physical therapist.

WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE A GOAL?

Jack and Juan have goals that are important to them. Jack’s overall goal is to get healthy. Juan wants to be a physical therapist. Obstacles and competing obligations are in the way, and they still have many decisions to make, including how to break down the larger goal into manageable ones. But their investment in these goals is an important first step.

On the other hand, if your goal seems unclear or isn’t truly your goal, committing and sticking to it will likely be difficult. It’s important to find a goal that holds meaning for you. But don’t be worried if you’re not sure about your goal yet. Discovering what you want is part of the process. The exercises in this chapter let you explore the possibilities and narrow them down to make a decision.

Why Am I Ambivalent?

Ambivalence is feeling two different ways at the same time. An ambivalent thought might sound something like this: “I’d like to make a change, but it’s too hard / I don’t have time / nothing works.” Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance. Cognitive refers to thinking and dissonance means “lacking harmony.” When we experience ambivalence, it’s a bit like being out of tune. If my guitar is out of tune, it’s easy for me to stop and use my tuner to make adjustments. But if I didn’t know how to tune the instrument or felt too frustrated to try, I might put away the guitar and stop playing. We can experience the same thing with ambivalence. We tend to resolve it by either making the change or giving up on the change.

If you can identify some obstacles to achieving your goal, you can probably fill in the blank: “I’d like to make a change, but .” Notice how the word “but” tends to nullify whatever came before it.

→That’s an interesting class, but I don’t have the time.

→I’m good with exercising, but I need to get my diet in order.

→I’d like to go out with you, but this isn’t a good time.

Instead of saying “yes, but,” try “yet.”

→That’s an interesting class, yet I don’t have the time.

→I’m good with exercising, yet I need to work on my diet.

→I’d like to go out with you, yet now is not a good time.

Sounds like semantics—just words, right? But words matter. The words we choose communicate the tone of our message. If a friend said, “You’re annoying me,” you would probably feel the need to defend yourself. You might also wonder what you’re doing that is annoying, and feel nervous or self-conscious. But if your friend instead said, “It bothers me when you pop your gum like that. Would you mind trying not to do that?” you’d likely feel less defensive or self-conscious.

Imagine having a similar conversation with yourself. “I can’t get my eating under control. It’s aggravating to me that I can’t resist tempting foods.” These thoughts are filled with self-doubt and diminish our hopes about making a change. A more helpful thought would be, “I’m feeling frustrated with my struggle to resist tempting foods, yet I can work on ways to overcome this challenge.” How we talk to ourselves helps us reframe our struggles with change and motivation. This is self-talk.

Self-Talk

Self-talk is how we speak to ourselves. Take some time to consider your thoughts related to the change you are thinking about. Are they something like this?

→“It’s too hard. I don’t have enough self-control.”

→“I’ll flunk out of college or I’ll run out of money. I’ll be embarrassed to tell my friends I quit.”

→“I get anxious just thinking about having to watch and count every calorie I eat.”

Are you making assumptions, thinking of the worst possible failure scenario, or letting your feelings run wild? This kind of negative thinking is an internal obstacle you must address in order to move forward. The book The Self-Confidence Workbook: A Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt and Improving Self-Esteem describes strategies to break negative thinking patterns. The first step is identifying those unhelpful thoughts and considering evidence that disputes them. One strategy is to reframe or challenge the unhelpful thoughts. For example, if your unhelpful thought is, “I can’t eat 1,200 calories a day. It’s too hard to record everything I eat,” you can tell yourself, “Keeping track of the calories I eat is aggravating, but it’s something I can do and get more comfortable doing.” Or, if your unhelpful thought is, “I don’t need to quit drinking. It’s not that bad,” you can reframe it as, “I can try quitting for a while and see what it’s like.”

Pros and Cons

Weighing both sides of the argument may be a vital step in the change process. The pros are the benefits or good things related to a certain action, while the cons are the costs, consequences, or not-so-good things.

When you’re considering making a change, it’s helpful to weigh the pros of making the change and the cons of not making the change. This might seem like examining two sides of the same coin, but you are actually making sure you’re clear on both the benefits of making the change and the costs of not making the change.

Here’s an example:

PROS OF EXERCISING | CONS OF NOT EXERCISING
→ | Helps me burn extra calories | → | Less tired, so more trouble sleeping
→ | Improves my heart health | → | Increases my risk of health problems
→ | Feel better physically and mentally | → | Makes it harder to keep up with family when we need to do a lot of walking (like atamusement parks)
→ | Sleep better at night |  |

I didn’t consider the benefits of not exercising or the potential cons of exercising because neither would serve a practical function. They might actually cause me to come up with excuses to not make the change. We’re focusing on motivation, so we’re also concentrating on the points that will help us become more motivated.

The traditional pros-and-cons list is still useful, however. If you are not convinced you want to pursue a specific goal, or if there is no clear decision, weighing all the benefits and drawbacks can be very helpful.

For example, Juan isn’t sure if he should accept the general manager position or continue working on his degree (and his dream job), so he uses a traditional pros-and-cons list.

| PROS | CONS
IF I TAKE THE GENERAL MANAGER JOB | → | Better pay | → | Limited career goals
| → | Less stress related to managing homework and tuition payments | → | Miss out on dream of being a physical therapist
|  |  | → | Feel disappointed in myself
| → | Spend more time with friends and family |  |
| → | Travel more |  |
IF I REMAIN ASSISTANT MANAGER AND CONTINUE WORKING ON MY COLLEGE DEGREE | → | Maintain goal to become a physical therapist | → | Remained stressed while trying to juggle work, school, and finances
| → | Feel better about my career path |  |
| → | Avoid disappointing myself and those who care about my future |  |

Focusing

Now that you’re thinking about your goal and potential obstacles, you may have noticed that some (or maybe all) of those hindrances are your own thoughts and actions. The greatest barrier to change is often that we can’t seem to get out of our own way. For example, cigarette smokers are well aware of the dangers of smoking and how it damages their health, but they don’t make decisions based on that information. People suffering from weight-related health issues know their eating habits and inactivity contribute to the problem, but many of us still find it difficult to change. Here are some important questions to consider:

How big is the gap or disparity between your current actions and your ultimate goal?

Sometimes the gap is very small, which makes the goal seem less important. If someone wants to lose five pounds but their overall weight is still within a healthy range, the importance of losing those few pounds might be minimal. If the gap is quite large, however, it may seem impossible to accomplish the goal. Someone who wants to get out of credit card debt but owes $25,000, in addition to rent and a student loan, may feel pessimistic about their chances.

Are you confident that you can make a plan to overcome your obstacles?

You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed or even hopeless. These negative emotions do not inspire change. If simply being miserable led to successful change, nobody would need a book about motivation. But being uncomfortable is a step in the right direction. Dwelling on what we’re doing wrong, however, won’t get us to the finish line.

How would your life be different if you overcame these obstacles? Let’s replace hopeless with hopeful.

Let’s work on some exercises to help you think about whether you want to make a change by looking at your goal and exploring your reasons and personal values related to that goal. Imagine all the ways your life will be better as a result of working toward your ultimate goal. The sky is the limit.

Part 3 includes work that solidifies your confidence and commitment to your goal. If you’re not ready to choose a goal, that’s okay. Work at your own pace.

EXERCISE 2.1: WHAT ARE MY CONCERNS?

You might have a general idea that you need to change one aspect of your life but are unsure what the change should be. Let’s brainstorm some areas that are causing dissatisfaction or concern. The areas can be broad, like better money management or feeling better physically. You don’t have to address all the following topics, as we have plenty of time to narrow things down later.

Pick the topics that apply to your current situation and write a brief description of your issue. Two blank circles are included to cover anything not listed.

EXERCISE 2.2: RATE YOUR CONCERNS

Look at the previous activity and list up to eight areas you may want to work on. Rate each on a scale from 1 to 5. A score of 5 indicates this area is causing significant dissatisfaction in your life, while 1 indicates an area that causes episodic dissatisfaction. For example, if a concern is rated 5, you think about it several times a day, while you consider a concern rated 1 once every few weeks.

| AREA FOR IMPROVEMENT | RATE 1 TO 5
1. | -------------------------------------------------- | ----------------
2. | -------------------------------------------------- | ----------------
3. | -------------------------------------------------- | ----------------
4. | -------------------------------------------------- | ----------------
5. | -------------------------------------------------- | ----------------
6. | -------------------------------------------------- | ----------------
7. | -------------------------------------------------- | ----------------
8. | -------------------------------------------------- | ----------------

Look at the areas you scored highest, or as giving you the most consistent dissatisfaction. List the top three below and write a sentence for each explaining why you chose it as a priority.

| PRIORITY AREA |  | REASON(S)
1. | -------------------------------- | 1. | --------------------------------
2. | -------------------------------- | 2. | --------------------------------
3. | -------------------------------- | 3. | --------------------------------

EXERCISE 2.3: THE MIRACLE QUESTION

Take some time to envision your ideal self. If I could wave a magic wand and solve all your problems and concerns overnight, what would your life be like the next morning? What would be different? This is your ultimate goal or Big Picture. Describe it.

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EXERCISE 2.4: WHAT SHOULD I WORK ON?

Review your priority areas from Exercise 2.2 and look at your Big Picture (here). Which priority areas have a direct link to your Big Picture? You should have at least one, but you may be able to connect two or even all three. Think about some changes you’d like to make to the priority areas that will lead you toward your Big Picture. Consider what you have been thinking about changing or doing differently but have not felt willing, able, or ready to address.

My life would be better if I:

Ex. Could enjoy eating more kinds of healthy foods.

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How would I have to change myself to achieve this goal?

Ex. Learn to change my thoughts around healthy vs. unhealthy foods.

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EXERCISE 2.5: DESCRIBE DISPARITY

In Exercise 2.4, you identified three areas you could change to get closer to your Big Picture. Now it’s time to look at where you are in each area. Use the areas to complete the sentences below.

Ex. My life would be better if I lost some weight because it would help lower my blood pressure and I could wear my favorite clothes. Currently, I am 20 lbs. overweight and my blood pressure is too high.

Area 1: My life would be better if I----------------------- because it would---------------------------------------------------------------------.

Currently, I am ---------------------------------------------------------------------.

Area 2: My life would be better if I----------------------- because it would---------------------------------------------------------------------.

Currently, I am ---------------------------------------------------------------------.

Area 3: My life would be better if I----------------------- because it would---------------------------------------------------------------------.

Currently, I am ---------------------------------------------------------------------.

These are your disparities. They can be too large (overwhelming), too small (not enough to worry about), or just right (enough concern without being too overwhelming). Which disparity seems just right to you? Circle it.

EXERCISE 2.6: IDENTIFYING YOUR GOALS

What did you discover about yourself? What would you change? What would make your life better? Once you have a better understanding, you will be able to clarify a broad goal for yourself that is not too specific but captures the change you want to make or the ultimate outcome you would like to experience.

Ex. My goal is to feel healthier.

Complete this sentence for each area you listed in Exercise 2.5.

Area 1: My goal is to --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Area 2: My goal is to --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Area 3: My goal is to --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

EXERCISE 2.7: NARROWING YOUR GOALS

Take a look at your goals. It’s not unusual for people to write several goals for the same area. Are any of them similar? If you have more than one goal focused on weight loss or health, for example, you might want to combine them.

Ex. Original goals: “My goal is to feel healthier.”

“My goal is to lose 25 lbs.”

“My goal is to reduce my cholesterol level.”

Narrowed goal: My goal is to improve my overall health.

Rewrite any combined goals below. Based on your top three priority areas from Exercise 2.2, establish two distinct goals in no particular order.

Goal #1: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Goal #2: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

EXERCISE 2.8: HOW IMPORTANT IS IT THAT I TAKE ACTION?

Now it’s time to prioritize the goals that will help you achieve your Big Picture. In Exercise 2.7, you combined similar goals. The next step is to evaluate your goals to determine the best place to get started. First, consider how addressing each goal would improve the quality and satisfaction of your life.

Write your two goals below, then rate each using the 1-to-5 scale. A rating of 5 indicates that addressing this goal has the potential to significantly improve the quality of your life on a daily basis, while a rating of 1 indicates that addressing this goal would episodically improve the quality of your life. For example, if you lost weight, you would notice it when you weighed yourself every morning and when you were getting dressed, and your peers would comment on the change in your weight on a regular basis, so that would be rated 5. But if you increased the speed at which you could run a mile, you would notice this on the two days each week you run for exercise. That would be a 1 or 2.

|  | RATING 1 TO 5
Goal #1: | ----------------------------------------- | --------------
Goal #2: | ----------------------------------------- | --------------

Review your goals and ratings. You may not be sure which goal you are more motivated to achieve, but you can use these exercises to think through each and decide which one you want to pursue.

EXERCISE 2.9: PROS AND CONS OF CHANGE (PHYSICAL HEALTH)

As you consider taking action on your goal, it’s vital to develop some concrete understanding of why your goal is important. What has the problem area cost you, and what would be the benefits of changing? Your pros and cons could be physical, emotional, social, spiritual, or even financial. In this exercise, we’ll start with physical health.

Let’s check in with Jack.

Jack, the 45-year-old plant worker with high blood pressure, knows he needs to lose weight and exercise, but wonders how he will be able to make these changes given his current lifestyle.

JACK’S TOP THREE PHYSICAL HEALTH COSTS:

1.I get tired more easily and struggle to have energy to play with my young child.

2.I’m at risk for heart attack, stroke, and diabetes.

3.I don’t sleep as well as I used to, and the snoring is bothering my wife.

JACK’S TOP THREE PHYSICAL HEALTH BENEFITS:

1.Lowering my blood pressure will reduce my risk of heart attack, stroke, and diabetes.

2.If I lose weight, I won’t be so winded when I walk up the stairs at work.

3.If I lose weight, I may sleep better, and if I sleep better, I’ll feel better.

Let’s explore the top health costs and benefits related to your goal. You might think about benefits your health care provider mentioned, benefits you’ve experienced as a result of past efforts, or your top concerns about your health and how pursuing this goal may address them.

This exercise isn’t just for people pursuing a health-related goal, like losing weight or quitting smoking. All kinds of changes might impact your health. For example, if your goal is to leave an unhappy relationship, a health benefit might be lowering your stress levels, which would decrease the likelihood of developing future health problems. A health cost of staying in the relationship would be higher stress levels, which could lead to high blood pressure and other physical issues.

| My Top Three Health Costs (what may happen if I don’t change): |  | My Top Three Health Benefits (what can happen if I do change):
1. | ---------------------------------------- | 1. | ----------------------------------------
2. | ---------------------------------------- | 2. | ----------------------------------------
3. | ---------------------------------------- | 3. | ----------------------------------------

EXERCISE 2.10: PROS AND CONS OF CHANGE (EMOTIONAL)

Next we look at how you’re feeling. Emotions generally fall into four broad categories—sad, mad, glad, and scared—which may be useful if you have a hard time identifying your feelings.

For this exercise, start by thinking about the emotional cost of not working toward your goal. Then, because we want to focus on the positive emotions associated with change, think of more nuanced descriptors for positive feelings. The emotional benefits of change are frequently a primary motivator for individuals.

As Juan considered passing up the general manager’s job, he thought about how he feels about making the sacrifice for his dream. He came up with powerful emotional costs and benefits.

JUAN’S TOP THREE EMOTIONAL COSTS:

1.If I quit school and take the general manager job, I will feel disappointed in myself, maybe even like a failure.

2.If I take the general manager job, I might feel stressed about learning new duties and taking on additional responsibilities.

3.If I quit school, I might become bored and feel unfulfilled in a management job.

JUAN’S TOP THREE EMOTIONAL BENEFITS:

1.If I keep the assistant manager job, I will feel proud that I didn’t give up on my dream.

2.I will feel confident that I can handle the assistant manager job and relieved I don’t have to learn new duties or take on more responsibilities.

3.I will look forward to the mental challenge as I progress through my degree program.

What emotional costs and benefits are you able to identify? If you get stuck, think about what would make you happy about reaching your goal. Consider how you might feel if you don’t change. Would you feel stressed, sad, or depressed?

| My Top Three Emotional Costs (if I don’t change): |  | My Top Three Emotional Benefits (if I do change):
1. | ---------------------------------------- | 1. | ----------------------------------------
2. | ---------------------------------------- | 2. | ----------------------------------------
3. | ---------------------------------------- | 3. | ----------------------------------------

EXERCISE 2.11: PROS AND CONS OF CHANGE (SOCIAL)

Social activities are important to our well-being. Spending time with family and friends, along with engaging in enjoyable activities or hobbies, is vital to your mental health and happiness. When you’re developing a goal, it’s important to look at how it will impact the social side of your life.

Emma knows her relationship with Rodney is at a crossroads. He has always been controlling, which has made her wonder if the relationship is actually in her best interest. Leaving him feels frightening, yet also freeing. She examines the benefits and costs.

EMMA’S TOP THREE SOCIAL COSTS:

1.If I stay with Rodney, I won’t have any support for my goal to return to school.

2.If I stay with Rodney, I will continue to rely on him as my source of socialization and miss out on opportunities to hang out with Jamie and Lisa.

3.If I stay with Rodney and still enroll in school, we will have a lot of arguments and fights.

EMMA’S TOP THREE SOCIAL BENEFITS:

1.I can pursue my education and career goals without having to fight with my partner.

2.I can reconnect with my friends Jamie and Lisa, who were always there for me before Rodney became jealous of them.

3.I will be able to meet new people in my classes who might share my career interests.

Think about how not changing and not working toward your goal will negatively impact your social activities and relationships with important people in your life. Then consider how working toward the goal will benefit your social well-being.

| My Top Three Social Costs (of not changing): |  | My Top Three Social Benefits (of changing):
1. | ---------------------------------------- | 1. | ----------------------------------------
2. | ---------------------------------------- | 2. | ----------------------------------------
3. | ---------------------------------------- | 3. | ----------------------------------------

EXERCISE 2.12: PROS AND CONS OF CHANGE (SPIRITUAL)

Defining the spiritual aspect of your well-being can be challenging. The terms “spirituality” and “spiritual practice” mean many things to different people. And unlike health, social, and emotional benefits, spiritual benefits are not easy to quantify. But it’s still very important to examine the spiritual component of your goal. Start by brainstorming a list of things that give your life meaning and purpose. This might include maintaining your personal relationship with God or a higher power, serving and improving the lives of others, or improving your most meaningful relationships.

Lorraine could see some practical benefits to moving closer to her daughter. But when she thought about the impact moving would have on her spiritual life, it brought up some tough realities.

LORRAINE’S TOP THREE SPIRITUAL COSTS:

1.If I stay in Arizona, I will continue to feel a sense of loss as my friends start to die or move away.

2.In Arizona, I don’t have anyone to count on for companionship.

3.If I stay in Arizona, I feel a bit useless and isolated.

LORRAINE’S TOP THREE SPIRITUAL BENEFITS:

1.If I move closer to my daughter, I will be involved in the life of my daughter and her family and be reminded of the importance of these relationships.

2.My daughter has assured me I will fit in well with the ladies at her church.

3.As long as I can drive, I can help with my granddaughter and make sure I don’t feel isolated.

What or who gives your life meaning and purpose? What relationships help define your reason for being? Use the answers to help you identify the spiritual benefits of addressing your goal.

| My Top Three Spiritual Costs (of not changing): |  | My Top Three Spiritual Benefits (of changing):
1. | ---------------------------------------- | 1. | ----------------------------------------
2. | ---------------------------------------- | 2. | ----------------------------------------
3. | ---------------------------------------- | 3. | ----------------------------------------

EXERCISE 2.13: PROS AND CONS OF CHANGE (FINANCIAL)

Finally, let’s explore the financial costs and benefits related to your goal. As in Exercise 2.12, it may be challenging to generate this list. Consider how addressing your goal will save you money in the short term and over the long run, or how it will allow you to make an investment in your future.

Cheryl thinks about how her smoking habit has fluctuated over the years, from one to three packs of cigarettes per day. She is well aware of the financial cost of smoking. She has thought about where the money could or should go, but now she is considering the savings beyond the cost of a pack of cigarettes.

CHERYL’S TOP THREE FINANCIAL COSTS:

1.If I don’t stop smoking, I will end up with health problems that will increase my financial costs, such as the need for prescription medications and doctor visits.

2.If I don’t stop smoking, my health problems could force me into early retirement, which means I’ll have a smaller pension paid out to me.

3.All these extra costs will leave me with less money to spend on my granddaughter and our activities.

CHERYL’S TOP THREE FINANCIAL BENEFITS:

1.If I stop smoking, I reduce the risk of needing prescription medicines to control symptoms of chronic pulmonary disease.

2.If I stop smoking, I will have more money I can set aside for my retirement or spend on my granddaughter.

3.If I can stay healthy, I can work until I’m 67, which will allow me to better support my lifestyle when I retire.

How does not addressing your goal cost you financially? How can addressing your goal save you money or allow you to be more productive in your work life?

| My Top Three Financial Costs (of not changing): |  | My Top Three Financial Benefits (of changing):
1. | ---------------------------------------- | 1. | ----------------------------------------
2. | ---------------------------------------- | 2. | ----------------------------------------
3. | ---------------------------------------- | 3. | ----------------------------------------

EXERCISE 2.14: SUMMARIZE YOUR PROS AND CONS

As you look at your lists of the costs of not addressing your goal and the benefits of working toward it, consider your top reasons for pursuing your goal and write them below. You do not need to include a benefit from each list.

Top Five Reasons for Tackling My Goal

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EXERCISE 2.15: INTERNAL OBSTACLES (THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD)

Internal obstacles are thoughts, beliefs, fears, and other barriers that can keep you from reaching, or sometimes even attempting to reach, your goals. People often describe this as “the voice in my head” that comes up with reasons, rationalizations, or excuses to self-sabotage or avoid taking action.

For many people, if you tried and failed to change in the past, you may now have strong feelings of apprehension or fear about trying again. These emotions may lead you to question your self-worth and can lead to strong negative self-talk.

→“I’d like to stop smoking, but I’ve failed so many times before. I’m just weak.”

→“I don’t have it in me to work that hard.”

→“I can always go back to school later.”

→“I don’t think I can deal with the upheaval this action will cause me and my family.”

→“I have too much going on to focus on this right now.”

Let’s take a look at the negative messages relating to your goal. Write the goal below.

Goal:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you look at your goal, think of up to five reasons, rationalizations, or excuses for not taking action and write them below.

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EXERCISE 2.16: INTERNAL OBSTACLES (ATTITUDE CHECK)

Attitude can be one of the biggest internal obstacles to changing a behavior. A negative attitude (“I don’t want to do this” or “This is a waste of time”) can shape all your actions, fuel fears and apprehensions, and undermine your ability to actually reach your goal.

Consider the thoughts and beliefs you wrote in Exercise 2.15.

Based on your goal, how strong is your attitude toward taking action? Check the rating that most applies and write a brief explanation.

☐Very Negative: I absolutely do not want to work on this goal at all.

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☐Negative: I am not interested in working on this goal.

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☐Somewhat Negative: I’d rather not work on this goal.

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☐Neutral: I have a lot of mixed feelings about working on this goal.

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☐Somewhat Positive: I’m thinking I should work on this goal.

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☐Positive: I would like to work on this goal.

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☐Very Positive: I’m very interested in working on this goal.

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EXERCISE 2.17: INTERNAL OBSTACLES (BEHAVIORS)

Our behaviors are the result of what we tell ourselves. If you keep going to the movies instead of exercising, it isn’t an accident. It’s not unusual for internal messaging to say you lack the skill or confidence needed to adopt the new behavior, so you keep doing what you’ve been doing. This kind of thinking is a big internal obstacle.

→Thought: “I should buy healthier foods, but I don’t know how to start.”

→Result: Buying unhealthy foods

→Thought: “If I apply for college, I’ll probably just mess it up.”

→Result: Not applying to college

→Thought: “I know I should be exercising, but I don’t know how to do it correctly.”

→Result: Watching a movie

→Thought: “Sure, my relationship isn’t very healthy, but I don’t think I could make life work on my own.”

→Result: Staying in an unhealthy relationship

What are some of your current behaviors that keep you stuck and work against your intended change? List as many as you can.

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EXERCISE 2.18: INTERNAL OBSTACLES (EMOTIONAL CHECK)

The way you feel is often directly related to the types of thoughts you have. Unhelpful thoughts that focus on how you think things should be but are not (like “Losing weight should be easy; why am I struggling?” or “Everyone else has a boyfriend, so I should have one, too”) lead to feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, or other negative emotions. Biology, lack of coping skills, environmental reinforcers, and emotional overload can contribute to this intensity of feeling.

What feelings are hard for you to manage? Circle those you experience most often or that are most troublesome.

ANGRY | DISGUSTED | FRUSTRATED | DEPRESSED | UNHAPPY
STRESSED | ANXIOUS | __________________ | __________________ | __________________
|  | OTHER | OTHER | OTHER

When you think about the unhelpful behaviors in Exercise 2.17, how do your feelings keep you stuck? What concerns you most about how you manage your feelings?

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EXERCISE 2.19: INTERNAL OBSTACLES (KNOWLEDGE)

A final internal roadblock is not knowing which actions or behaviors will bring you closer to your goal. Simply put, you cannot be successful if you don’t have the facts. Sometimes people fail to adopt a new behavior simply because they don’t have the necessary knowledge or information to be successful. For example:

→I don’t know how to choose healthy foods.

→I don’t understand all the steps needed to apply for college and financial aid.

→I don’t know how much money I could make as a physical therapist compared with working as a general manager at a bar.

What are some questions you have about your goal, or in what areas do you lack information that might keep you from being successful?

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EXERCISE 2.20: EXTERNAL OBSTACLES (FINANCIAL/ECONOMIC)

Now that you’ve examined some internal obstacles, let’s think about external ones. While it’s important to understand that change comes from within, your environment is also an important factor in determining your future success. External obstacles can include financial resources, social support, sociocultural factors, and environmental stressors. Laws, regulations, and media communications can also be obstacles, depending on your goal.

Even if you are ready and willing to make a change, it’s not unusual to encounter external obstacles, including finances, that impact your ability to do so. Typically, financial obstacles limit your ability to commit to change because you don’t have the resources to take action. For example, “I’d like to move out on my own, yet I can’t afford to pay the rent.”

What financial obstacles get in the way of achieving your goal?

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EXERCISE 2.21: EXTERNAL OBSTACLES (SOCIAL NETWORK)

Research shows that social support is an essential element of reaching your goals. Poor social support can derail someone’s ability to change even if they are ready, willing, and able to change, so it’s important to get a handle on your personal social network.

Your social network is defined as the people you frequently encounter and socialize with at home, social gatherings, work, or school. Your network may include a spouse or partner, close family (mother, father, sister, brother, or even children), close friends, co-workers and colleagues, or other acquaintances.

List the people and groups who make up your social network.

|  | RATE 1 TO 5
1. | --------------------------------------------------------- | -------------
2. | --------------------------------------------------------- | -------------
3. | --------------------------------------------------------- | -------------
4. | --------------------------------------------------------- | -------------
5. | --------------------------------------------------------- | -------------
6. | --------------------------------------------------------- | -------------

On a scale of 1 to 5, rate how supportive each person or group is to your goal. A score of 1 indicates they are unsupportive and may even impede your goal. A score of 5 indicates they would do anything within their ability to help you succeed. Write this rating on the line next to the name of each person in your social network.

EXERCISE 2.22: EXTERNAL OBSTACLES (SOCIAL SABOTAGE)

For each person or group who received a score of 1, explain briefly why they would be an obstacle.

Ex: I love to cook healthier foods, but I do all the cooking for my family and they won’t eat healthy food.

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EXERCISE 2.23: EXTERNAL OBSTACLES (SOCIAL AND CULTURAL)

Social and cultural obstacles are rooted in the social and cultural groups we belong to. These groups help us define who we are and where we belong, and help us understand the unwritten rules of life through norms, or shared rules and expectations. Change that is consistent with the norms of our social and cultural groups is easier to adopt, while change that runs counter can be challenging.

For example, consider Tim, who started drinking when he was 14. At 25, Tim was charged with a DUI and needed to quit drinking alcohol. Over the past nine years, Tim has spent Friday and Saturday nights in the local bars with his friends who drink. In addition, Tim had always taken pride in his ability to drink anyone under the table. He struggled with giving up drinking because it was part of not only his own identity, but also that of his social group.

What social or cultural groups or norms would make it challenging for you to reach your goal? Think of as many as you can.

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EXERCISE 2.24: EXTERNAL OBSTACLES (ENVIRONMENTAL STRESSORS)

Factors in your current living situation can become obstacles to change. Daily stresses, much like a lack of social support, can wear you down. Environmental stressors include work or school demands, caring for an ill or elderly family member, long commutes to and from work or school, managing your children’s busy schedules, and poor weather conditions.

What environmental stressors could interfere with your efforts to change? Think of as many as you can.

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EXERCISE 2.25: EXTERNAL OBSTACLES (LAWS AND REGULATIONS)

This obstacle might not apply to everyone, but take a moment to consider whether certain rules or regulations might interfere with your dreams. For example, if your goal is to become a marijuana farmer, you might face obstacles if your state does not permit the growth of cannabis. In addition, licensing regulations sometimes change. For example, a job that used to accept a bachelor’s degree might now require a master’s.

What laws and regulations might interfere with efforts to achieve your goal? Think of as many as you can.

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EXERCISE 2.26: EXTERNAL OBSTACLES (MEDIA AND OTHER)

Just as your self-talk can influence your emotions, external messages can also impact your internal state. These include messages you pick up from film, TV, video games, and media. Media outlets have been blamed for violence, misbehavior, poor attitudes, and other societal problems. While the full impact of what is shown on television, in movies, and on the internet is debatable, these messages do influence people. For example, watching a reality show about models might make weight loss seem impossible and discourage you from trying to eat more healthily.

There might be other obstacles we haven’t covered, like needing a car to get to classes if you go back to school.

What messages do you get from the media that might be barriers to change? What other obstacles to change have you encountered?

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EXERCISE 2.27: IDENTIFYING AMBIVALENCE

Even though you’ve taken steps to identify your goals and possible obstacles, you still might not feel completely committed. Perhaps you recognize something needs to change, yet something is in the way.

Ambivalence can derail goals, so it’s important to understand the roots of it and work through it. The next few exercises will help you do so.

Write your own ambivalent sentences here.

Start the sentence with “I want to” and the change you’re thinking about making, then add “but” and the obstacle that makes you feel ambivalent. Use an obstacle you’ve identified in one of the previous exercises.

Ex. I want to lower my blood pressure, but I enjoy eating too many unhealthy foods.

Ex. I want to leave my boyfriend, but I’m afraid of starting over.

Choose as many of your identified obstacles as you wish.

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EXERCISE 2.28: ADDRESSING AMBIVALENCE (UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS)

Ambivalent thinking, like the sentences you wrote in Exercise 2.27, can be an obstacle to change. Flipping your internal voice into positive self-talk can make a world of difference in achieving your goals.

In the first column, write down the negative self-talk behind each ambivalent sentence. In the second column, reframe these thoughts so they are more positive and encourage you to keep pursuing your goal.

UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS | HELPFUL THOUGHTS
Ex. I enjoy eating junk food too much. I can’t give it up. | Eating healthier doesn’t mean I can’t have some of my favorite comfort foods.
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EXERCISE 2.29: ADDRESSING AMBIVALENCE (EMOTIONS)

In Exercise 2.18, you identified emotions that may be troublesome and act as an obstacle to successful change. Learning how to manage those emotions in a helpful, healthy way is a key component of achieving your goal. There is no simple shortcut to better coping skills, but you can use these proven strategies to better manage your negative emotions.

Accumulate positive experiences by participating in activities you enjoy. Fulfilling activities (positive experiences) will help boost your mood and your confidence. List some activities and hobbies that make you feel better when you’re experiencing negative emotions. Examples might include biking, crafts, playing an instrument, or redecorating.

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Build mastery by consistently working on improving yourself and trying new things. Skill-acquisition can build confidence and increase your ability to solve problems. List some pursuits that might make you feel more confident. For example, learning a new language or taking private voice lessons so you can sing in a band.

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Cope ahead by preparing to deal with situations you know will make you uncomfortable. If you identify ways to cope with and accept scenarios, you will be more likely to manage the event and your self-confidence will grow. List some ways you might plan in advance for situations you know will be emotionally difficult. For example, if you’re an introvert who is scheduled to spend three full days at Walt Disney World with your in-laws, you might mentally prepare yourself for the crowds and excessive togetherness by accepting this reality, planning ways to recharge in the evening at the hotel, and thinking about the happy memories your family will be creating.

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EXERCISE 2.30: ADDRESSING AMBIVALENCE (EXTERNAL OBSTACLES)

In Exercises 2.20 through 2.26, you explored financial, social, cultural, environmental, legal, and other obstacles. Although some may not be within your power to control or change, you can address others through creative problem-solving.

Identify one external obstacle you could potentially resolve.

Ex. Obstacle: I cannot find a nice place to rent near my daughter in Texas.

Now brainstorm potential solutions. Search for ideas on the internet or ask someone who might have relevant knowledge to give you some tips.

Ex. Possible Solutions:

→Reconsider buying instead of renting.

→Look farther away from my daughter’s town.

→Rent a place that meets most of my needs and continue looking for something better.

Obstacle: ------------------------------------------------------------------

Possible Solutions:

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2.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Cross out the solution that feels least appealing or least likely to work. Do this twice more, until you are left with your top two possible solutions.

What is your attitude toward each possible solution? How likely are you to put each one into action?

Solution #1:------------------------------------------------------------------

☐Negative: I am not likely to put this solution into action.

☐Somewhat Negative: I might not try this solution.

☐Neutral: I have a lot of mixed feelings about this solution.

☐Somewhat Positive: I might try this solution.

☐Positive: I would like to try this solution.

Solution #2:------------------------------------------------------------------

☐Negative: I am not likely to put this solution into action.

☐Somewhat Negative: I might not try this solution.

☐Neutral: I have a lot of mixed feelings about this solution.

☐Somewhat Positive: I might try this solution.

☐Positive: I would like to try this solution.

EXERCISE 2.31: THINKING ASSERTIVELY

In Exercise 2.21 you identified people who may act as obstacles to your success. It’s time to reposition them in your life so they are no longer obstacles to your success.

First, explore internal thoughts that might prevent you from setting boundaries with this person.

Do I need this person’s approval?

Do I worry I might hurt their feelings?

Do I think it would be selfish to ask for what I want?

Do I believe this person will cause a scene if I set a boundary?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, challenge that thought here:

Ex. Do I need this person’s approval? Yes. I would like this person’s approval, but I could live without it.

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EXERCISE 2.32: BEING ASSERTIVE

Setting boundaries with other people may seem intimidating, daunting, or even futile, especially if they haven’t been receptive to these conversations in the past. But you deserve to work toward your goal without being derailed by others’ judgments or disapproval. Make an effort to set limits with those who might sabotage or block your success.

Prepare to have the conversation. What do you need to make clear?

Ex. I want them not to tease me about trying to quit smoking or tell me I won’t succeed. I want my co-workers to say supportive things.

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Decide what to say. Focus on your own perceptions and needs, and avoid blaming the other person. Use “I” instead of “you.”

Ex. “I need to talk to you about something important. Can I have a minute?”

Describe your decision to change, then specify how you feel and what you need.

Ex. “I’ve decided to quit smoking, starting tomorrow. It would help a lot if you didn’t tease or make jokes when I don’t go out on smoke breaks with you anymore. Can you help me out like this?”

Write your own request. Be sure to use a neutral yet firm tone when putting this into action.

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EXERCISE 2.33: EXPLORING VALUES

Your values help guide your decisions and actions. Identifying and prioritizing your values will help you understand why your goal is important to you. Values can include honesty, family, charity, integrity, and faith.

What do your values mean to you? Circle those that are most important. You decide how to define the meaning of each value. You can also add your own, or visit MotivationalInterviewing.org for an extensive list of possible values.

ACHIEVEMENT | FREEDOM | PROVIDING
CARING | FRIENDSHIP | PEACE
CHALLENGE | GRATITUDE | RESPONSIBILITY
COMMITMENT | GROWTH | SELF-ACCEPTANCE
CREATIVITY | HEALTH | TOLERANCE
DUTY | HOPE | TRADITION
EXCITEMENT | HUMOR | __________________
FAMILY | INTEGRITY | __________________
FITNESS | KNOWLEDGE | __________________
FORGIVENESS | LOVE | __________________

From the values you circled, choose up to six of the most important and describe what each means to you.

VALUE | DESCRIPTION
Ex. Kindness | It’s important to me to be nice to everyone because you never know what they’re going through. It feels good to be kind and friendly to people.
------------------------------------------------ | ------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------ | ------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------ | ------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------ | ------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------ | ------------------------------------------------
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EXERCISE 2.34: CLARIFYING VALUES

Take a look at your value list from Exercise 2.33. Choose your top two values.

1.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Look at your top reasons for change from Exercise 2.14. Which reasons most closely align with these values and why?

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Think about the concerns that led you to create your goal. Which ones stop you from living by these values?

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How will working toward your goal help you better live by these values?

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EXERCISE 2.35: EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE

Think of a time you successfully faced one of the obstacles you identified in Exercises 2.20 through 2.31.

EXERCISE 2.36: A PAST SUCCESS

Think of one fairly big change you have already made. It doesn’t have to be a recent change or the biggest change. It might be the change that was hardest to achieve. Write it down here.

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What was going on in your life at the time?

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Did you achieve the change all at once or did you take small steps?

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What were some of the steps?

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How do you feel about the change today?

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EXERCISE 2.37: LEARNING FROM THE PAST

Look over your answers to Exercise 2.36. How can this past success help you achieve your new goal or goals?

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EXERCISE 2.38: FOCUSING

Let’s take one last look at the two big goals you developed (see Exercise 2.7) and your top reasons for choosing each goal. Your top reason for choosing your goal is your Big Why.

TOP REASONS & VALUES | TOP REASONS & VALUES
------------------------------------------------- | -------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------- | -------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------- | -------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------- | -------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------- | -------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------- | -------------------------------------------------

What’s your Big Why? Which goal best fits it?

Ultimate Goal/Big Picture:---------------------------------------------------------

Big Why:---------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 2.39: STEPS FORWARD

It’s time to start activating your goal. Let’s say your ultimate goal is to feel better, meaning you want to feel good physically, be less stressed, and accomplish more at work. This is an awesome goal with some very tangible benefits. But there are many steps you could take to feel better, and this goal doesn’t tell you what actions will get you there. It’s like being at a crossroads. To determine which way to turn, we need to drill down a little deeper.

It’s helpful to start with a list of possible actions you can take, even if you feel ambivalent about doing anything. Remember, it’s always up to you to decide if now is the right time to make a change.

Here are a few actions that could help someone get started on the goal of feeling better.

Think about your goal and develop a list of at least five actions that would help you specify or better define it and take your next Step Forward. Remember, at this stage we are just brainstorming possibilities. Nothing is written in stone, and you are the one in the driver’s seat.

My Steps Forward

1.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 2.40: THE FIRST STEP

Now that you have identified five possible actions that could better define your goal, we need to narrow down the list to one action. This is the action you see as most important to getting started with your goal and are willing, able, and ready to try now.

Here are a few things to consider as you start narrowing down your list.

Would I be willing to do this?

Have I taken this action before? Was it beneficial?

Am I confident I could take this action?

Is now a good time to take this action?

In the table below, rewrite each of your Steps Forward (Exercise 2.39) in the first column. Using a scale of 0 to 3, score each Step Forward in the categories. A score of 0 is lowest and a score of 3 is highest. Once you have scored each Step Forward, total the score for each row.

MY STEP FORWARD | I WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THIS | I HAVE TAKEN THIS ACTION BEFORE AND IT WAS BENEFICIAL | I AM CONFIDENT I COULD TAKE THIS ACTION | NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO TAKE THIS ACTION | TOTAL SCORE
1. |  |  |  |  |
2. |  |  |  |  |
3. |  |  |  |  |
4. |  |  |  |  |
5. |  |  |  |  |

The highest score possible is 12. Do you have any 12s? If not, no need to worry. Which Step Forward had the highest score? If there is a tie, the Step Forward with the higher score in “I have taken this action before and it was beneficial” is the winner.

Let’s rewrite your goal using your top Step Forward.

If your highest-scoring Step Forward is getting more exercise, the goal might be:

Ex. Commit to an exercise schedule.

My goal is to----------------------------------------------------

Hang on to this goal. We’ll explore it in part 3.

.

PART III

Exploring Change

You’ve come this far because you are interested in making a change. After reading the previous sections, you’ve probably figured out that making this change is at least somewhat important to you. And after looking at the benefits of changing and the costs of not changing, you may be more interested in addressing the issue you’re concerned about.

Although you’re more aware of the reasons you want to change, you still may not be 100 percent committed. As you probably realize, awareness isn’t enough to carry out a successful change plan. Motivation to make change requires a few elements:

Motivation = problem recognition (awareness) + importance (priority) + confidence and hope

This section focuses on how to establish the importance of your change. Recognizing your strengths and resources will help you build confidence, develop motivation, and believe change is possible.

How Important Is It?

Remember the discussion of ambivalence in Exercises 2.27 through 2.30? You can feel a little ambivalence and still take action, but a lot of ambivalence can keep you from acting. In order to prioritize and focus your efforts on a goal, you have to resolve most of your ambivalence and believe your goal is important. You can do this through changing your thoughts and attitudes, accessing your inner strengths and outer resources, and developing new skills and strategies to build hope and confidence.

Jack recognizes the importance and urgency he should feel about improving his health. Becoming healthier will help him avoid or minimize the effects of medical conditions such as high blood pressure, saving him money on medications and doctor visits. It also means he will feel better and happier, and have more energy for his family and his job. Yet, he needs to figure out how to fit exercise and meal planning into his already busy and tiring schedule.

When Jack was in his 20s, he was physically active. He had fewer obligations, of course, but what really made a difference was that he built gym time into his schedule. He left home early three to four mornings a week to work out on the way to work. He also packed a light lunch, such as chicken breast and a salad with light dressing, instead of buying a less-nutritious meal. Jack’s determination to get up, his decision not to worry what people at the gym thought about his looks or size, and his enjoyment of weight training helped keep him motivated.

Lorraine understands she will need to make a decision about the move, but is not yet feeling a sense of urgency. She has to accomplish a lot of tasks before she can consider loading a moving van. She is overwhelmed by the thought of moving and doesn’t feel up to the task. She believes that at her age, she may not be able to manage it. She realizes there are solutions for most of the challenges of moving, yet not all of them are within her control. She needs her daughter and son-in-law’s help more than ever, and she doesn’t like to rely on other people. She doesn’t yet feel prepared to reframe her thoughts to be more positive.

IMPORTANT DECISIONS ARE THE HARDEST TO MAKE

If change were easy, no one would need this book (or any other self-help book). There is comfort in continuing the same behavior, and when you are in the moment, what feels good now is the easy choice. It meets a need, whether it’s security, comfort, pleasure, or avoidance. When I’m in the drive-thru trying to decide what to order, getting two plain tacos doesn’t feel as good now as enjoying a steak chalupa. When I’m tired, getting up early to exercise doesn’t feel as good now as sleeping in. When I’m overwhelmed at work, playing a game on my phone feels good now.

Our brain associates the easy choice—food, sleep, a game—with pleasure. It doesn’t feel good to deny yourself pleasure, even when that behavior gets in the way of your ultimate goals. It’s difficult to postpone something pleasurable in order to invest in your goal. And consciously changing your behavior requires making unfun decisions on a consistent basis, over and over again. It’s difficult. But it is possible.

WHAT WOULD CHANGE LOOK LIKE?

Visualizing yourself meeting a goal can help you build hope and consider how you might make the necessary changes to achieve it.

Let’s see how Emma envisions her ultimate goal of independence from Rodney.

I see myself doing medical billing in a nice doctor’s office. I have a regular work schedule, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. After work I go home to fix myself some dinner or meet my co-workers for a drink. I save part of every paycheck for emergency cash and future vacations. Jamie, Lisa, and I want to spend a long weekend at the beach. I will be able to go because I’ll have the money and Rodney can’t make me feel guilty.

I might feel better physically and emotionally because I won’t be so stressed about keeping Rodney happy. I won’t walk on eggshells, wondering if he’s going to get mad about something. I will feel better about myself, too, because I don’t want to be a server for the rest of my life. I want a job with benefits like health insurance.

Emma considered the benefits of getting a job in medical billing and coding, and pictured herself wearing scrubs and feeling happy, free, and in control of her future. This is Emma’s ideal future, and it helped her figure out the steps she can take to get there.

I need to fill out an application form for the technical college and apply for financial aid. Classes are offered during the day, so it looks like I’ll have time to go to class and then straight to work in the restaurant. In about nine months, I will finish the classes and be able to take a test to be certified as a medical billing and coding specialist. I can search online for job openings and apply. Maybe the medical workers who come into the restaurant can let me know if there are any openings.

IS CHANGE POSSIBLE?

Visualizing your ultimate goal should inspire hope and desire, but you may also notice some obstacles. That’s okay. Look at the obstacles and focus on how you might overcome them. Emma, for example, realizes it will be problematic to continue working at the same restaurant as Rodney. He’s probably not going to let go of their relationship easily. She also needs a new place to live. Emma needs to take these major steps before she can even begin to consider applying to the medical billing program. She decides to modify her goal of independence by first moving out and finding a different job. She might need to get a different phone number, too. Emma’s goal is possible, but she must focus on her financial and housing goals first before she applies to the medical billing program.

If you look at your goal and realize it doesn’t just have obstacles, but it’s actually impractical, you might want to reevaluate. For example, if my goal is to become a famous singer, it’s not very practical.

I have a successful career as a social work educator and trainer, and I’m not that good a singer. Even with a lot of work, I probably can’t develop a plan to overcome the obstacles. Instead, I think I’ll modify that goal to playing local gigs with my band about once a month.

PARTIAL CHANGE

Change isn’t easy. It also isn’t fast. When I hold workshops to teach motivational interviewing to practitioners, I ask them to think of a change they know they should make but are struggling with. Then I ask everyone to stand up. I say, “If it’s been 30 days or less since you started working on this change, sit down.” I continue asking this question with a longer and longer time frame before saying, “If it’s been two years or less, sit down.” Usually only a few people are still standing. Then I ask everyone, “What does this tell you about change?” The answer: It’s hard and it takes a long time.

But what if I asked, “What are some small changes you’ve been able to make toward this goal, now or in the past?” Most people can identify one or two things they’ve done to cut back, modify, or add to their lifestyle. Although these changes may seem less impressive, they’re important, too.

Making change is hard, so reducing some of your counterproductive (or not so helpful) behaviors is still valuable. Small changes put you closer to your goal and reduce potential harm to yourself. Achieving your goal at 100 percent takes time, and it’s okay if you don’t get there. The important thing is the effort.

For example, Emma put in some job applications at restaurants across town. Jack started getting up a little earlier to go on walks three mornings a week. Juan called his mom to talk about his decision and get her input. Lorraine agreed to visit Texas and see some apartments in her daughter’s area. Cheryl made a point of leaving one or two cigarettes in her pack each day.

Establishing Values

Exercises 2.33 and 2.34 asked you to think about how values can influence your behaviors and choices. Values help determine what’s most important when we’re considering different goals or decisions. Identifying and defining those top values is the first step to understanding the role they play. Let’s explore Jack’s and Lorraine’s values.

Jack has two values he can easily identify and explain. His first value is family. He believes it’s important to be a loyal and faithful husband and a good role model for his child. Life wouldn’t be the same without them. Jack grew up in two separate homes after his parents divorced, and he remembers trying to follow two different sets of rules and being treated differently by his stepmother, who resented the weekends and holidays he spent with his father. Having a loving and stable home with his wife and child is Jack’s most important value. Work is also important to Jack. He believes in being a hard worker and putting his focus and energy into his job. Both his parents worked outside the home and taught him the value of a good work ethic.

Lorraine has always felt that family is important. If there was ever anything her late husband or her daughter, Celia, needed, she provided whatever she could. She spent her adult life caring for her husband and daughter, forgoing a job or career outside the home. At age 85, she has come to value stability. Lorraine and her husband moved around a bit, and they looked forward to taking it easy in retirement. While she sometimes misses her daughter, she knows Celia has her own family, career, and busy schedule.

Conflicting Values

Values guide our decisions and actions, but they can also conflict. In Lorraine’s example, family is one of her primary values, yet she also values stability, which means she may not choose to move closer to her daughter. These competing priorities make her decision about moving even more difficult.

It isn’t always possible to honor all our values when making difficult decisions. Sometimes we have to choose one value over another in order to follow through.

While weighing the pros and cons of each possible decision is helpful, it’s key to assign guiding values to each benefit and consequence to see what is most important. Lorraine values stability. She is in her golden years and does not want to start over and become familiar with new grocery stores, meet new friends, and learn new roads to drive to new doctors. Yet, Lorraine does not have reliable support in Arizona. Her friends are also getting frail or moving closer to their adult children. She often has no one with whom to have lunch or dinner. Her daughter and family visit twice a year. She is feeling more isolated and alone. Having a closer connection to family is becoming more important. Lorraine has to decide which value is more important.

Tapping into Your Strengths

Many counseling models and interventions use a strengths-based approach. Identifying what works for you, what your strengths are, and what you can build on puts you on the road to confidence in your ability to change.

Strengths include characteristics and personal factors such as positive self-esteem, healthy thinking, the ability to cope with stress and unpleasant emotions, and having a sense of meaning and purpose. All these factors predict healthier outcomes.

How do you assess your strengths? You might be able to rattle off a few during a job interview, especially those you’ve heard from others. How do those strengths benefit you? Maybe there are other strengths you haven’t thought of, and finding them might boost your confidence. Exploring your current strengths and identifying new ways to improve will help you tackle the challenges you will face while working toward your goal.

Tapping into Your Resources

In part 2, you looked at external obstacles. Finances, social support, and sociocultural, environmental, and regulatory factors might stand in the way of achieving your goal. On the other hand, you may have strengths and resources in these areas. Your support system and your internal strengths are important predictors of successful change. Identifying who is in your support system and how they can assist you will help you mobilize their support. Identifying other possible resources for addressing obstacles and putting a plan into action can help you build hope and look forward to achieving steps toward your goal.

The exercises in this section help you build attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, values, coping skills, strengths, and resources. Reevaluating your values and building strengths will help you develop the necessary hope and confidence to make successful changes. Once you complete this section, you will have identified the importance of change, recognized your abilities and positive traits, and pinpointed how you can use these to help you face your current challenges. In the last section of this book, you will pull together all the ideas and skills you’ve identified to help you build a specific plan of action, deal with setbacks, and figure out what maintaining change might look like.

EXERCISE 3.1: DEFINING IMPORTANCE

When you’re considering making a change, one of the biggest questions to ask yourself is, “How important is this change?” While this may seem like a straightforward inquiry, it can be quite daunting to answer. Important can mean so many things. The first step is figuring out what the word means to you.

Write your goal from part 2 (here):

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Below is a list of words that might describe how important something is.

Circle five words or phrases that best represent how important your goal is.

GREAT VALUE | VITAL | URGENT | CRUCIAL | SERIOUS
ESSENTIAL | NECESSARY | BENEFICIAL | DESIRABLE | CENTRAL
MEANINGFUL | PREFERABLE | ACCEPTABLE | SECONDARY | TRIVIAL
CONSEQUENTIAL | TOLERABLE | NEEDED | DESIRABLE | SORT OF
MODERATELY | SO-SO | FAIRLY | INSIGNIFICANT | IRRELEVANT

What did you learn? How important is your goal?

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EXERCISE 3.2: IMPORTANCE SCALE

A 1 to 10 scale is useful for determining the importance of a specific action. It’s even more helpful when you are able to determine and define the anchors of your scale. An anchor describes how much weight you assign to each specific score or rating and gives meaning to the number.

While keeping your goal in mind, incorporate descriptors from Exercise 3.1 to create your own definition and description for each number based on its level of importance. For example, a 10 might be urgent, while a 1 would be irrelevant.

EXERCISE 3.3: GIVING YOUR GOAL A SCORE

Using your scale, consider how important it is to take action toward your goal. Write down your rating below.

My current score:-------------------------

My descriptor:-------------------------

Write a short explanation that describes why you chose your rating or descriptor and not a lower number.

Ex. I rated myself 6 and not 5 because I know I would feel less stressed if I handled my money better and it’s the responsible thing to do. I know I should work on sticking to my budget.

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EXERCISE 3.4: TAKING ANOTHER STEP TOWARD CHANGE

Consider what it would take to increase your score by one. Write your new score and descriptor below.

My new score:-------------------------
My descriptor:-------------------------

Write a short explanation that describes your rating or descriptor.

Ex. My old score was 6. To become a 7, I would need to be more comfortable with not spending so much money on eating out. I also need to have a better plan on how to keep track of what I’ve already spent.

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EXERCISE 3.5: ASSESSING THE IMPORTANCE OF MY STEPS FORWARD

At the end of part 2 (here), you identified five steps you could take to move forward in reaching your goal. For this exercise, rewrite those five steps and rate each one using your importance scale.

| MY STEPS FORWARD | RATING
1. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------
2. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------
3. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------
4. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------
5. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------

Put a star beside each Step Forward rated 7 or above. Choose one you would like to start with. Write it below and explain why you chose it.

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EXERCISE 3.6: SETTING YOUR CEILING AND FLOOR

Before moving on to assessing your level of confidence in taking action, let’s set your importance floor and ceiling. Imagine you scored yourself a 10, meaning it is extremely important for you to take action.

What’s the best thing that could happen if you make this change?

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On the other hand, imagine you scored yourself a 1, meaning it is extremely unimportant for you to take action (at least for the time being).

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you don’t make this change?

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EXERCISE 3.7: DEFINING CONFIDENCE

Another question you may ask yourself while making a change is “Can I really be successful at changing this behavior?” This speaks to your confidence in your ability to change. Research has shown that people with a high level of confidence in their ability to be successful are more likely to take on the challenge of adopting a new behavior. The word confidence can also be defined in many ways. Our next step is figuring out exactly what it means to you.

Below is a list of words that might describe your confidence level. Circle five words or phrases that best represent how confident you are that you can take action toward your goal.

DETERMINED | ASSURED | DOUBTFUL | FEARFUL | RESOLVED
CERTAIN | HESITANT | BENEFICIAL | POSITIVE | DRIVEN
APPREHENSIVE | STRONG-WILLED | DECIDED | SECONDARY | TRIVIAL
CONSEQUENTIAL | UNDECIDED | ENCOURAGED | HOPEFUL | INTENT
UNQUESTIONABLE | SO-SO | INESCAPABLE | SINGLE-MINDED | HOPELESS

What did you learn? How confident are you that you could take action toward your goal?

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EXERCISE 3.8: CREATING A CONFIDENCE SCALE

Just as creating an importance scale in Exercise 3.2 helped you pinpoint the importance of your goal, creating a confidence scale will help you understand how much confidence you feel in your ability to take action toward your goal.

Using the words from Exercise 3.7, create definitions and descriptors for each number on the scale below.

A score of 10 might be defined as determined, whereas a score of 1 might be defined as undecided.

EXERCISE 3.9: GIVING YOURSELF A SCORE

Use your scale to rate your confidence in taking action toward your goal. Once you have chosen your rating, write it below.

My current score:-----------------------------
My descriptor:-----------------------------

Write a short explanation that describes why you chose your rating or descriptor and not a lower number.

Ex. I rated myself 5 and not 3 because I know how to make a budget and, on occasion, I make better choices by putting off major purchases.

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EXERCISE 3.10: TAKING ANOTHER STEP TOWARD CHANGE

Consider what it would take to increase your score by one. Write your new score and descriptor below.

My new score:-----------------------------
My descriptor:-----------------------------

Write a short explanation that describes your rating or descriptor.

Ex. I rated myself 5. To become 6, I would need to have some new ideas to help me keep track of my spending and then be able to stick with it for a month.

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EXERCISE 3.11: ASSESSING YOUR CONFIDENCE IN YOUR STEPS FORWARD

This exercise revisits the Steps Forward you identified in Exercise 3.5. Write down those five steps and rate each using your confidence scale.

| MY STEPS FORWARD | RATING
1. | ---------------------------------------------------- | --------------
2. | ---------------------------------------------------- | --------------
3. | ---------------------------------------------------- | --------------
4. | ---------------------------------------------------- | --------------
5. | ---------------------------------------------------- | --------------

Put a star beside each Step Forward rated 7 or above. Choose one you would like to start with, then write it below and explain why you chose it.

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EXERCISE 3.12: IMPORTANCE X CONFIDENCE

As you consider the ratings you gave yourself on importance and confidence, identify which quadrant you belong in. For example, if your importance is 7 or above, you belong in the square labeled 1 or 3. If your confidence is 7 or above, then circle quadrant 1. If your confidence is below 4, circle quadrant 3.

|  | IMPORTANCE
|  | HIGH | LOW
|  | 1 | 2
| HIGH | Mostly to very important | Somewhat to not at all important
|  | Mostly to very confident | Mostly to very confident
CONFIDENCE |  |  |
|  | 3 | 4
| LOW | Mostly to very important | Somewhat to not at all important
|  | Somewhat to not at all confident | Somewhat to not at all confident

If you chose quadrant 1, you may be ready to move on to part 4. If you’d like to explore your confidence and importance, continue the exercises in this section.

EXERCISE 3.13: BUILDING CONFIDENCE—CONFIDENCE TALK

Remember Exercise 2.28, where you listed some of your unhelpful thoughts and created positive self-talk to counteract them? Let’s do that again, focusing on unhelpful thoughts around your confidence to make the change.

UNHELPFUL (LACK OF CONFIDENCE) THOUGHTS | (BUILDING HELPFUL CONFIDENCE) THOUGHTS
Ex. I can’t handle the cravings when I quit smoking. | Ex. I can learn strategies to ride out and better cope with the cravings.
Ex. I don’t see how I can make time to go to the gym to exercise. | Ex. I can find creative ways to exercise, even if it isn’t at a gym.
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EXERCISE 3.14: PAST SUCCESSES

In Exercise 2.36, you identified a time you were successful in making a change. Think of some examples of small changes you’ve made in the recent past. Here are some prompts to help you think of different areas in which you might have made efforts to do better. Fill in all that apply.

Healthy eating:----------------------------------------------------------

Physical activity:----------------------------------------------------------

Organization (at home, work, or school):----------------------------------------------------------

Intimate relationships:----------------------------------------------------------

Relationship with parent(s) or children:----------------------------------------------------------

Career/Job:----------------------------------------------------------

Spiritual life:----------------------------------------------------------

Money management:----------------------------------------------------------

Friendships:----------------------------------------------------------

Other:----------------------------------------------------------

Based on your answers, which steps can help you be more successful in pursuing your goal?

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EXERCISE 3.15: FINDING HOPE

Hope is feeling optimistic about the future. It’s an expectation that something will turn out well. Whether it’s something you install (instantly have) or instill (slowly build up), being hopeful about achieving your goal is paramount. Finding hope is a matter of calling forth that which is already there.

What makes people feel hopeful (in general)?

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What makes you feel hopeful (in general)?

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What gives you hope about making this change?

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EXERCISE 3.16: FINDING INSPIRATION

Inspiration is a means of instilling hope and optimism. Where can you find inspiration? Who inspires you?

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What are some quotes and images that inspire you to work toward your goal? Write them here or create a vision board.

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EXERCISE 3.17: REVISIT VALUES

As you did in Exercise 2.33, list your top values, ordered from most important to least important.

1.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How did you decide which value trumps all others? Did anything change?

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EXERCISE 3.18: VALUES CONFLICT

Write about a time you did not put your most important value first, and instead made a decision based on your second- or third-ranked value.

How did you feel afterward?

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When might these values conflict as you consider the steps needed to achieve your goal?

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What value or values will you need to prioritize to help you reach your goal?

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EXERCISE 3.19: YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES

Per the book Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change, there are certain characteristics or personal qualities that are common among successful people. Circle all that apply to you.

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF SUCCESSFUL CHANGERS
Accepting | Committed | Fearless | Perceptive | Stubborn
Active | Competent | Flexible | Persevering | Thankful
Adaptable | Concerned | Focused | Persistent | Thorough
Adventuresome | Confident | Forgiving | Positive | Thoughtful
Affectionate | Considerate | Forward-looking | Powerful | Tough
Alert | Creative | Free | Prayerful | Trustworthy
Ambitious | Dedicated | Healthy | Reasonable | Understanding
Anchored | Determined | Imaginative | Relaxed | Unique
Assertive | Die-hard | Ingenious | Reliable | Unstoppable
Assured | Diligent | Intelligent | Resourceful | Vigorous
Attentive | Direct | Knowledgeable | Responsible | Visionary
Bold | Doer | Loving | Sensible | Whole
Brave | Eager | Mature | Skillful | Willing
Capable | Earnest | Open | Solid | Wise
Careful | Energetic | Orderly | Stable | Worthy
Cheerful | Experienced | Organized | Steady | Zealous
Clever | Faithful | Patient | Strong | Zestful

Choose two characteristics and describe a time you showed each quality.

1.------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 3.20: THEY SEE YOUR STRENGTHS

Ask a trusted friend or family member to look at the list from Exercise 3.19, choose a few of the strengths you listed, and fill out the following exercise.

Characteristic:----------------------------------------------------------

What have you seen or heard me do that makes you think I have this characteristic?

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Characteristic:----------------------------------------------------------

What have you seen or heard me do that makes you think I have this characteristic?

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Characteristic:----------------------------------------------------------

What have you seen or heard me do that makes you think I have this characteristic?

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EXERCISE 3.21: BUILD ON YOUR STRENGTHS

Choose three strengths from the list in Exercise 3.20 and explain how each one can help you work toward your goal.

Strength:----------------------------------------------------------

How it can help:----------------------------------------------------------

Strength:----------------------------------------------------------

How it can help:----------------------------------------------------------

Strength:----------------------------------------------------------

How it can help:----------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 3.22: MANAGING STRESS

We’ve all experienced stress. You can probably recognize the signs: the muscles in your neck and shoulders tighten, your heart beats a little harder, you breathe a little faster, and your mind becomes filled with frustrated or anxious thoughts.

Stress can arise from many different sources. Perhaps you overslept and now you’re late getting to work. Maybe you’re driving to school and the slow driver in front of you seems determined to make you late for your exam. Maybe you feel like you’re stuck in an unfulfilling job or you recently argued with a close friend.

But we don’t feel stressed only when something unpleasant occurs; we can also feel it when something positive happens. If you’re considering changing a behavior, trying something new, or giving something up, you’re probably feeling a little stressed.

There’s no way to avoid stress entirely. For better or worse, it’s a normal part of life. But although we can’t always avoid stress, we can learn to use coping strategies to deal with it. We discuss strategies for coping with stress later in this section, but let’s get a handle on the stresses you feel and how they might interfere with your goal.

Close your eyes and picture your Top Five Stressors, then write them below with a brief description.

1.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How might these stressors get in the way of achieving your goal?

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EXERCISE 3.23: IDENTIFYING YOUR TYPE OF STRESS

We generally dislike stress because it makes us feel anxious, sad, or tense. In extreme situations it overwhelms our ability to meet the demands of everyday life. This is called distress, and it stems from difficult life events that challenge our ability to adapt or cope, like the loss of a job or death of a loved one.

But there is another kind of stress. Eustress is a type of stressor that arises when we experience something positive. It’s what you might experience after being promoted at work. While it feels awesome to be recognized for your efforts, the new job may come with additional responsibilities that make you anxious. You might also feel eustress while preparing to attend an event for singles: while you’re excited about meeting new people, you’re also nervous and intimidated.

Write your Top Five Stressors on the corresponding lines below and note whether that stressor is causing you distress or eustress.

STRESSOR | DISTRESS OR EUSTRESS?
1. | --------------------------- | ---------------------------
2. | --------------------------- | ---------------------------
3. | --------------------------- | ---------------------------
4. | --------------------------- | ---------------------------
5. | --------------------------- | ---------------------------

EXERCISE 3.24: HOW STRESSED AM I?

Now that you’ve identified your stressors and determined whether they are causing distress or eustress, let’s figure out the intensity of your stress. Using the following scale, rate each stressor from Exercise 3.23 and explain your rating.

5 = I think about this stressor several times an hour. This stressor makes it difficult for me to concentrate on anything else in my life. When I think about this stressor, sometimes my stomach feels upset or I get a headache. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I’m always thinking about this stressor. I have no idea what I can do about this stressor.

4 = I think about this stressor five or more times a day, but I am able set it aside when I need to. Sometimes this stressor makes it hard for me to focus on the task at hand. This stressor causes me to feel tense in my shoulders, neck, and/or jaw. I have some ideas about how to handle this stressor but am unsure which option to choose.

3 = I think about this stressor three to four times a day, but it doesn’t disrupt my normal daily routine. I may feel slight muscle tension. I have a plan to deal with this stressor and I think it will be successful.

2 = I think about this stressor one to two times a day. I usually do not experience any physical discomfort. I may have successfully dealt with this stressor before and believe I will be able to cope with it again.

1 = I think about this stressor infrequently, about one to three times a week. It does not disrupt my normal daily routine. I do not experience any physical discomfort. I have successfully dealt with this stressor before and believe I will be able to successfully cope with it again.

STRESSOR | RATING | EXPLANATION FOR RATING
Stressor 1 | 1 2 3 4 5 |
Stressor 2 | 1 2 3 4 5 |
Stressor 3 | 1 2 3 4 5 |
Stressor 4 | 1 2 3 4 5 |
Stressor 5 | 1 2 3 4 5 |

EXERCISE 3.25: COPING MECHANISMS

Now that you have identified your stressors and assessed them, it’s time to figure out the best ways for you to cope with those you rated 4 or 5.

We can generally divide coping mechanisms into two broad categories: problem-focused coping strategies and emotion-focused coping strategies.

Problem-focused coping strategies are steps we take to reduce or remove the problem that is causing stress, resulting in direct reduction of the stress. This includes:

1.Taking action. Identifying realistic solutions or actions you can take to address the problem.

2.Asking for help. Identifying sources of social support that can assist you in solving your problem.

3.Managing your time. Assessing the time requirements of your demands, then prioritizing.

Emotion-focused coping strategies focus on reducing the negative thoughts and feelings that arise from the problem or stressful event. Emotion-focused coping strategies are especially useful when you cannot eliminate or change the problem or stressor. This includes:

1.Keeping yourself busy. If you stay busy, you may be less likely to focus on the problem or stressor.

2.Meditating and praying. Turning inward through meditation or prayer can provide a respite from focusing on the stressor or problem, and the calming effects can last a while.

3.Writing it down. Journaling provides an opportunity to explore the stressor and devise a plan for dealing with it.

4.Reassessing the problem. It can be useful to ask yourself if you’re seeing the problem clearly to determine whether the stressor is as bad as it seems.

5.Talking it out. Talking to a close friend, a partner, a spiritual leader, or a therapist can provide an opportunity to let out your feelings about the stressor, which may ease those feelings.

Identify two techniques you currently use to cope with stressors or problems. Briefly explain how successful these techniques are in helping you manage stress.

1.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Identify two techniques you do not currently use to cope with stressors but are willing to try. Briefly explain why you chose these new techniques.

1.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Explain how using stress management techniques will help you achieve your goal.

Ex. If I cope with stress better, it will be easier for me to take time to exercise, and I’ll be less likely to eat because of stress.

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EXERCISE 3.26: MINDFULNESS

If you’re a worrier, you probably find it hard to still your thoughts. If you struggle with this, you might want to try mindfulness, which is a method of calming your mind and body by being present in the moment. Mindfulness involves observing your surroundings through all your senses, putting these observations into words, and staying in the moment. This practice can help calm your anxiety, reduce stress, and keep you focused on your goals.

If all that sounds intimidating, don’t worry—you don’t have to figure out how to be mindful on your own. There are many techniques to help people experience mindfulness, including meditation, which focuses attention and awareness. There are many different forms of meditation, and a lot of meditation resources to help you get started, including websites and phone apps.

Pick a five-minute meditation from any site or app. If you don’t know where to start, Mindful.org has a section called Meditation 101: Simple Guided Meditations, which is full of simple guided meditations. After you have completed the meditation, answer these questions.

What were you thinking about while you were listening?

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What were you feeling while you were listening?

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How was your body reacting while you were listening?

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How did you feel after you meditated?

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How can mindfulness help you achieve your goal?

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EXERCISE 3.27: GROWTH MINDSET

Psychologist Carol Dweck has found that people embrace one of two ways of thinking about themselves. A person with a fixed mindset believes their gifts and talents are fixed and set. This can make it difficult to change. A person with a growth mindset, however, considers possibilities for improvement and gain. A growth mindset is, naturally, associated with more success in achieving goals.

Mindset isn’t something you’re born with. You can develop a growth mindset by learning to see yourself and your world differently. If you commit to believing you can learn, change, and grow no matter what has happened in the past, you can achieve a growth mindset.

Brainstorm some ways to approach life with more of a growth mindset.

→I can learn---------------------------------------------------------- .

→I can take constructive feedback on---------------------------------------------------------- to help me improve and be successful in achieving my goal.

→My obstacles to change are challenges I can face by---------------------------------------------------------- .

→I’m willing to learn new things like---------------------------------------------------------- .

EXERCISE 3.28: AFFIRMATIONS

Positive self-talk helps us build confidence, and affirmations are especially effective. Affirmations are positive judgments about yourself or others that you repeat aloud or write down every day. Over time, these affirmations can change the way you view yourself and assess your own capabilities.

For this exercise, create your own affirmations. In the first column, make a list of personal qualities you consider negative or unhelpful. In the second column, rewrite that criticism in a positive way. Try not to use the same terms in reverse. For example, if you wrote, “I’m unworthy,” avoid writing, “I am worthy.” Instead, elaborate on why you are worthy by writing something like, “I’m loving and treasured.”

CRITICISM | AFFIRMATION
I’m not very athletic. | I am capable of being active.
I won’t find someone else to love me. | I am worthy of love.
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Write your affirmations on a piece of paper and place it where you will see them every day. If you’re creative, decorate the page with colors and images. Try speaking your affirmations out loud several times a day, every day, until you feel more comfortable with these statements.

EXERCISE 3.29: FINANCIAL AND ECONOMIC RESOURCES

Below are some economic resources and strengths that can help you achieve your goal. Explain how each applicable item might be helpful to you.

Income:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Job stability:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Workplace benefits:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flexible work schedule:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Job satisfaction:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you feel about finances in general?------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What can you do to build on or add to any of these resources?------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 3.30: SOCIAL SUPPORT AND SOCIAL COMPETENCE

Let’s take a look at your support system, or the people you can rely on, as well as your ability to access and accept help from others. In the first part of this exercise, consider all the different ways people can be helpful, such as providing financial support, being a good listener, or believing in you. You may know someone who is able to do all these things, some of these things, or just one of these things. Write the names of as many people as you like for each type of support.

I have close friends or family members who can support me in the following ways:

Help financially:----------------------------------------------------------

Listen:----------------------------------------------------------

Encourage me:----------------------------------------------------------

Value my abilities:----------------------------------------------------------

Regularly talk:----------------------------------------------------------

Now that you’ve identified who can help, what skills will assist you in reaching out for assistance? Circle all that apply below. I am able to:

MEET NEW PEOPLE | FEEL COMFORTABLE IN NEW SOCIAL SITUATIONS | MAINTAIN CONNECTIONS WITH A LOT OF FRIENDS
MAKE FRIENDS EASILY | START A CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE | LAUGH WITH PEOPLE
BE A GOOD FRIEND | BE FLEXIBLE WHEN SOCIAL SITUATIONS CHANGE | MAKE OTHER PEOPLE LAUGH

How do you feel about the social aspect of your life?

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What can you build on or add to any of these social supports and strengths?

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EXERCISE 3.31: FAMILY STRENGTHS

Think about your family as a resource. If you don’t have a traditional family, that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to reach your goals. Define family in whatever terms work for you. What are some strengths your family has that can help you achieve your goal? Consider the quality of your relationships, shared family values, common activities and traditions, conflict management, and loyalty.

Ex. My family sticks by each other and doesn’t keep secrets. I can count on them for help and to listen when I need an ear. We get together most Sundays for dinner to reconnect. My mom and I text each other daily.

What are your family’s strengths?

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What would your family members say your strengths are?

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How do you feel about this area?

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What can you build on or add to any of these family supports or strengths?

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EXERCISE 3.32: TIME MANAGEMENT AND PERSONAL STRUCTURE

Time is one of the biggest challenges to making change. It may not be easy to devote time to focusing on a change (especially one that is not fun in the moment), and it might feel impossible to fit one more activity into a busy schedule. But time management can help you get a handle on your schedule and find the time you need.

Let’s look at your current schedule. Write down as many activities as you can remember from the past 24 hours. Estimate how much time you spent on each activity.

List all your activities for the day:

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If you needed, say, 10 minutes per day to devote to activities toward your goal, where might you find them?

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What are some related activities you could do in 10 minutes per day?

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How would these activities put you closer to achieving your goal?

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EXERCISE 3.33: SOCIAL AND CULTURAL RESOURCES

A culture is a group of people who have a shared set of values, beliefs, and traditions. You might think of ethnicity or race as the foundation of a culture, but you may be a member of many other cultural groups. These include communities based around religion, gender, sexual orientation, or geography, as well as social groups that embrace the same arts and philosophy, such as hip-hop or punk rock.

For this exercise, focus on one culture you’re a member of. For each aspect of culture listed, describe the belief or custom and how it might support your goal.

In this example, the goal is to declutter and be more organized.

Cultural beliefs: My culture believes it’s important to give to others. This will help me give away items I no longer need so I can be more organized.

Cultural customs: We remove our shoes when we enter someone’s home. If I have visitors, it would be safe for them to remove their shoes if my house is clean and not cluttered.

Religious beliefs: My faith teaches me that through God all things are possible. This can help me believe it is possible to clear and clean my house.

Cultural beliefs:-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cultural customs:-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Religious beliefs:-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It can be hard to see a culture from the inside. If you are struggling with this section, try asking others how they might define their cultural groups and the accompanying beliefs, values, customs, and traditions. This might give you some ideas to work with.

EXERCISE 3.34: ENVIRONMENTAL OR SITUATIONAL SUPPORTS AND RESOURCES

What other resources are available to you in your community, online, at your house of worship, or in or around your home that can help you take steps toward your goal?

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EXERCISE 3.35: RESOURCE DEVELOPMENT

As you look over the strengths and resources exercises completed so far, what resources do you think will be most helpful?

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What resources can you begin to access or start to cultivate and develop? How will you do this? For example, if your workplace offers free or discounted gym memberships or online health coaching assistance, you can sign up to access these benefits.

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EXERCISE 3.36: ENVISIONING CHANGE

Let’s think about your goal again. Now that you’ve explored this change and thought about your strengths, resources, obstacles, and stress, what does a successful change look like?

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If you succeeded with this change, what most likely worked? How did it happen?

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EXERCISE 3.37: REALISTIC CHANGE

You’ve explored the ideal, your dream goal. Given all your strengths, resources, values, and coping skills, is the change you’re envisioning realistic? If not, what is realistic? In other words, how would you revise the goal so it feels attainable? Say your goal is to pay off $20,000 of debt in 12 months. “I was hoping to inherit about $10,000 when my grandfather passes away, but, thankfully, he’s doing well. Besides, I don’t know how long it would take to get the money, and after taxes who knows how much I’ll end up getting. I’ll focus on reducing my debt to $10,000 instead.”

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EXERCISE 3.38: FEELINGS AROUND PARTIAL CHANGE

Now that you have a realistic, attainable goal, how will you feel if you don’t quite meet it? Maybe Jack struggles to reach his goal weight. Perhaps Juan decides to take the general manager job and save money to return to college later. Emma decides to try to stay with Rodney and apply for technical college anyway (hoping she can get her certificate and eventually move out). Achieving only part of your goal is not as satisfying as fulfilling it completely, but you should be proud of the steps you have taken, and realize you are closer to achieving your goal than you were when you started.

List some steps you have taken toward your goal, whether recently or in the past.

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Celebrate these small victories! What are some ways you can reward yourself for your progress that won’t break your bank or sabotage your success?

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EXERCISE 3.39: PRIORITIES

What are your daily tasks and activities? Write them down no matter how trivial or how significant they seem.

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Place each task and activity in a quadrant below:

IMPORTANT AND URGENT | IMPORTANT AND NOT URGENT
NOT IMPORTANT BUT URGENT | NOT IMPORTANT AND NOT URGENT

EXERCISE 3.40: PRIORITIZING THE CHANGE

What are some activities you plan on doing that will help you achieve your goal? (These are activities or tasks you did not list in Exercise 3.39.)

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Let’s focus on the Important and Urgent priorities. In the box below, write at least one activity from your new list, then add the “important and urgent” activities you identified in Exercise 3.39. Focus on these activities as you begin to work toward your goal. Refer to this list when making schedule decisions; do these activities before any that fall into the other quadrants.

IMPORTANT AND URGENT

PART IV

Your Path to Change

You’ve considered what you might want to change, why you would want to change, and what change might look like. You’ve also explored your values, strengths, and beliefs about yourself. These are all important in preparing for your plan of action. This detailed, concrete plan will help you focus on what is most important to you, get more out of life, feel more confident, and know where you want to go.

Are You Ready?

Some changes are exciting, like starting a new job, buying your first home, going back to school in your 40s, or writing a self-help book for the first time. We look forward to engaging in these kinds of changes, even if some stress is involved.

But other changes are harder to make. Changing long-used habits that provide us with short-term comfort requires more conscious and repeated efforts, and you may not find any immediate reward. The level of difficulty varies from person to person. What may be easy for one individual is an enormous task for another. For example, most of the time my husband is able to stick with a healthy eating plan. He enjoys eating grilled chicken, salads, and other vegetables, and he always makes time to work out, even when we’re on vacation. Healthy eating is not always simple and fun for my husband, but he is satisfied with the changes he has made and perceives a lot of benefits. On the other hand, I’m a finicky eater. I feel very unsatisfied eating just meat and vegetables. For me, the benefits of healthy eating seem too far away. I’d rather eat that cookie now and think about my health later. I’m very aware of my struggle, yet I still want to improve my health. I’m not ready right now, but I will be someday.

THERE’S NO RIGHT TIME FOR ANYTHING

When will my time come? This cliché usually refers to matters of love, but you might ask yourself the same question while waiting for your motivation to kick in. The time is actually closer than you think. It starts when you decide you’re committed to pursuing your goal.

In the early years of my marriage, people told me there’s no right time to start a family. Something always gets in the way of our goals, and we tend to put them off with statements like these:

→I’ll start after the first of the year.

→I need to get through the holidays.

→I’ll do it when I clear some things off my desk.

→I’ll start when things slow down at work.

You get the idea.

If you wait for the right time, it may never come. You won’t achieve your goals by waiting and wishing. They require a realistic plan, consistency, support, and a lot of positive self-talk.

Coming Up with a Plan

Many of the planning exercises you completed thus far were preparing you for your goal plan. Successful change requires a detailed plan of action that not only helps you decide what to do, why you are going to do it, and how you will do it, but also uses your strengths and supports and prepares you for challenges. We cannot do this alone, and we absolutely must have a plan in place.

The plan is not set in stone, however. The plan is a guide, but as you travel down the road—or, as I like to tell my workshop participants, journey down the river of change—you might encounter roadblocks that require a detour. When you have to shift, it’s important to be mindful and maintain awareness of your plan.

Sticking with the Plan

How many times have you started to work on a change only to lose motivation and give up? When you start out full steam ahead, you might forget that this journey is a marathon, not a sprint, and you get tired, lose focus, and generally give up. This time, you’re going to equip yourself with some glue to help you stick to it.

Seek positive information daily. Whether you check out relevant information on your favorite websites or read a meditation or Bible passage, find a little inspiration and knowledge each day.

Get organized. Keeping your plan of action and other helpful information in the same location every day will help you stay focused and prevent you from becoming distracted. Otherwise, it could be out of sight, out of mind.

Keep the big picture in your mind. What do you hope to achieve? Why is it important to you? Write this down or use a vision board to keep this ultimate desire at the forefront of your mind.

Be consistent. Build in structured time to focus on your goal each day, each week, each month. Consistency doesn’t mean you have to stick with every single task or action in your plan every day. Rather, be consistent in specific activities that will help you move toward your goal.

Don’t worry about things you cannot change. Focus on what you can do to manage your stress and practice self-care.

Give yourself credit. You’re only human. Expect setbacks, not perfection. Remind yourself of the progress you’ve made and steps you’ve taken. It’s the little victories that matter.

START MOVING FORWARD

You’ve already evaluated importance and confidence relevant to your goal and the steps you need to take to achieve it. Now we need to check your readiness. How important this goal is to you, and your level of confidence in your ability to change, are important factors in setting priorities. This process is often related to a sense of urgency. I want you to feel a sense of urgency to do something. It doesn’t need to be big. It doesn’t need to be a lot. It just needs to be genuine.

Making small changes can get you where you want to be. Be slow and steady rather than no pain, no gain. Begin by setting a start date and getting yourself mentally prepared to put your change plan into action. This section of the book helps you get ready.

TAKE SMALL STEPS, ESTABLISH SMART GOALS, AND SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Effective goal plans are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Let’s take a look at what this means.

SPECIFIC goals that clearly express what you want to achieve will help you feel more motivated. What do want to accomplish? Why is it important? For example, Emma might say, “I want to obtain my medical billing and coding certificate so I can get a full-time job with benefits and live on my own. That way, I can feel better and more secure about myself and my future.”

MEASURABLE goals help you assess yourself along the way. Recognizing your small successes will be vital to staying motivated and on track. How do you measure progress? Think of behaviors or actions that accomplish demonstrated progress toward the goal. For example, Emma could show measurable progress by completing her applications for financial assistance and entrance into the medical billing program, then registering for classes with a specific start date.

ACHIEVABLE or attainable goals need to be realistic. In part 3 (here), I asked you to think about how realistic your goal is. If your goal depends on other people (such as a promotion) or changing situations (like a specific new job becoming available), someone else has power over your success. For example, Jack may want to walk every evening after work, but if he’s working overtime and getting home late, this plan relies on his boss letting him leave work earlier. He likely has more control over his eating habits.

RELEVANT goals ensure that the outcome matters to you. Recall the importance exercises from part 3 (here to here). If your goal means more to someone else than it does to you, it’s going to be hard to maintain motivation. Is this the right time and environment? Is it worth the effort? For example, while Jack would enjoy exercising more than working on his eating habits, it’s highly important to his wife for Jack to get his blood pressure down and reduce his weight through changing his diet. He will have to decide whether focusing on his eating habits will be important to him.

TIME-BOUND goals refer to timelines or deadlines. How long do you think it will take to reach your goal? What can you accomplish in six months? Six weeks? Today? For example, Jack can break down his goal to lose weight into milestones based on a realistic weight-loss program. He might give himself a year to lose 35 pounds and set small goals of 10 pounds every three months.

KEEP MOVING FORWARD

Moving forward and making progress sounds like a straight line. Do everything right and you will make your goal according to your SMART goal plan. But setbacks happen, even when you have a detailed plan. They’re normal. It’s important to expect setbacks and understand you may need to revisit your plan when they occur. Setbacks don’t mean you have to give up, or that your plan is unrealistic, so don’t panic when you experience one. Getting back on track is what is important.

I have an old friend, Kayla, who struggled with her weight into her 40s. After having three children, she had gained well over 75 pounds. When Kayla decided to do something about it, she looked at it as a journey toward health, not perfection. She now shares that journey—the ups as well as the downs—and seeks to inspire others as a coach with an online food and fitness program. Her weight loss has not been dramatic in the short run. Yet, over the past two years she has persisted, getting back up even when life threw curveballs at her. The transformation is amazing. She shared with me her biggest hurdle and how she refocused her efforts:

Dealing with the grief over my mom’s death has been my biggest setback. I’m a former emotional eater, and death was the ultimate emotion invoker. Going through my first set of holidays without my mom led me back to habits of eating with abandon and binge eating.

The keys to getting back on track were running and participating in accountability and support groups. They redirected me and gave me a feeling of acceptance. I did a lot of work in my head, thinking about my why, and focused on that when I wanted to make unhealthy choices. Surrounding myself with other like-minded people and having a sense of community was also imperative.

Beyond Your Plan

Sometimes getting started is only the first hurdle to overcome when implementing a plan of action. Staying focused, even after you’ve achieved the goal, requires developing skills to maintain the change. When I worked in addictions, clients liked to describe the mindset needed to stay clean as willpower. I’m not a fan of this concept. Hopefully you’ve learned from this book that you need more than will to make successful change efforts. Skills, strengths, resources, and backup plans are all important. It’s key to use everything you have on this journey toward change.

At some point, it gets easier. The skills become second nature. Yet, remaining mindful and aware of your goal and the work you’ve put into it will be a lifelong practice. For example, I’m very forgetful. My short-term memory has always been terrible. One way I cope is to always put items back where they belong. I try to be consistent and organized so I don’t have to struggle so much to remember where I left my keys, my phone, or my favorite sweater. I also write everything down. I may need to stop one task to write something on my to-do list or shopping list. Of course, then I have to remember what I was doing before.

YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

Taking responsibility for your change plan means working on your strengths. But using your resources, especially your support system, means you don’t have to do everything alone. In the last section, you identified your resources and supports and thought about how they might be helpful. Having significant people in your life to help reinforce your goal has a positive impact. It may be useful to set up some ground rules with them, however.

1.They should reinforce and compliment you for success but not punish you for failure.

2.They should support your autonomy (your right to make your own decisions).

3.It is always your responsibility to identify the goals and actions you will take.

Ultimately, it’s your choice whom you engage to help you. You may need to set limits with some members of your support system so they don’t work against you or misunderstand the kind of help you want and need. You decide who gets to be involved in your goals and your plan of action.

FINDING COMMUNITY

While family and friends might be good sources of support, it can also be helpful and inspiring to find a community of people who share in the same struggles, like a support group. Whether you’re looking for something online or a face-to-face meeting, explore resources for locating people who can share your journey. Research shows it’s beneficial to share your successes, no matter how small they may seem. You might find it annoying when your friend posts every little thing about their meal prepping or exercise program, or how many days or months they have been drug-free, yet this is very positive for that person. It builds their confidence in their ability to change and remain aware of their goal. It also reinforces the actions that support progress toward their goal.

Consider different sources to find your community. You can look for online groups through social media or other sites, or find in-person support groups or classes in your area. The change process can become your hobby.

If you’re feeling ready, let’s start working on a detailed plan of action. By the end of this section, you will have prepared everything you need to put your plan together into a single, cohesive proposal. If you are interested in additional assets to help you be successful, consult the Resources section.

EXERCISE 4.1: WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

In part 3, you used the scales in Exercises 3.2 and 3.8 to determine confidence and importance. Let’s use the same system to look at readiness. First, write a summary of your current progress toward your goal. Include why you want to change and your barriers to change at this point.

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Based on your reflection, where would you rate your current level of readiness to act on your goal?

EXERCISE 4.2: GETTING READY

Let’s play devil’s advocate. Imagine you’re sitting across from the part of you that isn’t interested in changing. What would you say to convince yourself that you should work on the change?

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EXERCISE 4.3: MAKING YOUR GOAL MEASURABLE

In part 2 (here), you identified a goal that you want to address. The next step is to narrow that larger goal into one that is specific, observable, and measurable. If you fine-tune your goal, you can ensure you are getting the results you want.

Imagine your original goal was 𭀜I want to look better, feel better, and have more energy.”

If we apply the SMART approach, we’ll come up with a more specific goal: “I’d like to lose some weight so my clothes fit better.”

1.Specific: “I’d like to lose some weight.” This goal is simple and significant.

2.Measurable: “I’d like to lose 20 pounds.” To make this goal measurable, I specified the amount of weight to be lost.

3.Achievable: “I’d like to start by losing 10 pounds in the next two months.” To make this goal achievable, I set a more realistic short-term goal, rather than a more dramatic one I’d be less likely to reach.

4.Relevant: “I really want to lose this weight within the next two months so my weight-loss plan is in place before the holidays begin.” This goal is relevant because it’s a realistic goal that is important me.

5.Time-bound: “I’d like to lose 10 pounds in the next eight weeks.” This goal is now time-limited because I specified how much time I would dedicate toward it. This is now a SMART goal.

Let’s try this with your goal. Rewrite it below using the SMART guidelines:

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EXERCISE 4.4: IDENTIFYING THE STEPS TO REACH YOUR GOAL

Writing a specific, measurable goal is the essential first step toward successful change. The goal sets your destination, but it does not specify all the actions you are going to take to reach that destination.

Let’s revisit my example goal: “I’d like to lose 10 pounds in the next eight weeks.” While this goal does a good job identifying the destination, it doesn’t specify the actions needed to get there. To figure that out, we need to brainstorm the steps that might help us lose 10 pounds over the next two months.

There are no right answers when you’re brainstorming. You’re simply trying to come up with as many potential solutions as possible. They don’t have to be perfect. You don’t even have to love the ideas. You might want to research before you brainstorm, or simply list some ideas and research them later. The important thing is to let yourself think about all the ways you might achieve your goal.

Here’s what a brainstorm about losing 10 pounds in eight weeks might look like:

1.Start a walking program

2.Start a running program

3.Play group sports (softball, basketball, tennis)

4.Eat fewer carbohydrates

5.Eat fewer fats

6.Try a ketogenic diet

7.Eat fewer calories

8.Increase daily steps

9.Do more work in my yard

10.Keep a daily food journal

Brainstorm a list of 10 actions you could take to reach your goal and write them below. Rate each on a scale of 1 to 5. A score of 1 indicates you are unsure or unwilling to take that action, while a score of 5 indicates you are confident you could take that action.

| ACTION | RATING
1. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
2. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
3. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
4. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
5. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
6. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
7. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
8. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
9. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------
10. | -------------------------------------------------------------------- | -----------------------

EXERCISE 4.5: DEVELOPING OBJECTIVES FOR YOUR GOAL

Now that you have identified 10 actions you would be willing to take to reach your goal, the next step is to convert them into measurable objectives.

Objectives, like your goal, should be specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. For example:

Goal: | I’d like to lose 10 pounds over the next eight weeks.
Objective 1: | I will weigh myself every morning and write it down in a daily log for the next eight weeks.
Objective 2: | I will keep a daily log of everything I eat for the next eight weeks.
Objective 3: | I will limit myself to 1,800 calories a day for the next eight weeks.
Objective 4: | I will take a two-mile walk four times a week for the next eight weeks.
Objective 5: | I will schedule an appointment with a personal trainer in the next seven days to help me develop an exercise program.

Let’s try this with your goal. Rewrite your goal below and identify five objectives or actions you feel most confident you could take to help you reach your goal. This is your Action Plan.

Goal:----------------------------------------------------------

Objective 1:----------------------------------------------------------

Objective 2:----------------------------------------------------------

Objective 3:----------------------------------------------------------

Objective 4:----------------------------------------------------------

Objective 5:----------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 4.6: REWARDS CREATE AN INCENTIVE TO CHANGE

When you’re trying to change a behavior, it’s very important to plan how you will reward yourself if you accomplish your goals. Tangible, meaningful rewards strengthen desirable behaviors and motivate you to stay on track.

Over the next few exercises, we explore what rewards are important to you and how to put them into your plan.

Think of five ways to finish this sentence: “If I stick to my goal, I’ll reward myself by doing this:”

1.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 4.7: REWARDS AND THINGS

When you’re trying to think of rewards, things often come to mind, like food, money, new clothes, sporting equipment, or electronics. Review the list of rewards you completed in Exercise 4.6 and identify the items that fall into the “things” category. List them below. We want five “things” rewards, so feel free to make additions to the list.

1.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One caveat about things: Be sure you don’t identify a reward that is actually counterproductive to your goal. For example, if your goal is to stick with your budget for the next 30 days, rewarding yourself with an expensive meal at a restaurant defeats the purpose of better money management. Similarly, if your goal is to lose 10 pounds in two months, rewarding yourself with an unhealthy dinner will undermine the changes you’ve made.

Review your rewards list and eliminate any ideas that may sabotage your goal.

EXERCISE 4.8: REWARDS FROM PEOPLE WHO MATTER

Of course, things aren’t the only kind of rewards that matter. Sometimes the best motivation is when another person recognizes your effort and gives you the proverbial pat on the back. Review your list of rewards from Exercise 4.6 and identify any that involve praise or recognition from someone who matters to you. List them below. We want at least five “people who matter” rewards, so feel free to make additions to the list.

In your list, make sure to mention each person’s name, their relation to you, and the kind of affirmation you’d like to receive.

| NAME | RELATIONSHIP | AFFIRMATION
1. | ---------------------------------- | ---------------------------------- | ----------------------------------
2. | ---------------------------------- | ---------------------------------- | ----------------------------------
3. | ---------------------------------- | ---------------------------------- | ----------------------------------
4. | ---------------------------------- | ---------------------------------- | ----------------------------------
5. | ---------------------------------- | ---------------------------------- | ----------------------------------

EXERCISE 4.9: REWARDS: EVENTS AND ACTIVITIES

Events and activities are another common reward category. For example, after a week of getting up early to exercise, a great reward might be sleeping in on Saturday. Or if your goal is to study for a midterm exam all week, your reward is meeting friends for coffee or drinks on Friday night.

Review the list of rewards you completed in Exercise 4.6 and identify any events and activities. List them below. We want at least five “events/activities” rewards, so feel free to make additions to the list.

1.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 4.10: NARROWING DOWN THE REWARDS

In the last three exercises, you identified 15 potential rewards that can help you stay focused on reaching your goal. The final step is narrowing this down to five meaningful, tangible rewards.

Some factors to consider include:

1.Do you have the resources to obtain this reward promptly? Short-term rewards are immediately available to you. Long-term rewards involve many factors, such as money and free time, and may take some time to plan. For example, if your reward is to sleep in, check your calendar and identify a day in the next week or two when this is feasible. If your reward is a vacation in Europe, however, it may take longer to acquire the money and vacation time needed to take the trip. Both kinds of rewards can be positive motivators. Be clear on which category each of your rewards falls into.

2.Are you willing to withhold this reward? Don’t choose something that is functional and essential for your day-to-day life. For example, if your car needs maintenance, don’t make that contingent on completing your goal. Instead, take your car in now, and try choosing a goal that is more pleasurable.

3.Is this reward significant? A powerful reward motivates you to work hard and stay focused. It shouldn’t be something you do on a regular basis, like buying a soft drink or checking your social media account. Make sure it genuinely feels special.

List your top five rewards or incentives below. Include at least one long-term reward.

1.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 4.11: GET ORGANIZED

If you want to be successful and feel motivated, being organized is essential. If you’re already a fairly organized person, this part will be easy. But if you fly by the seat of your pants, it will take a bit more work.

Some basic steps to becoming more organized:

1.Select a specific place where you always keep a copy of your Action Plan and related information, including exercises and other ideas. It can be a particular location in your home or a special folder online.

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2.Make a to-do list of tasks that will help you get organized. Consider actions that will help you keep your designated space clear of clutter and maintain an area where you can think about and focus on your Action Plan each day.

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EXERCISE 4.12: SEEK POSITIVE INFORMATION DAILY

A steady flow of positive information is essential to staying focused. Each day, consult material that will help you learn and will reinforce your commitment to your goal. Brainstorm some specific sources that will keep your mind focused on your goals and objectives. Think of educational resources that will help you learn more about the goal area or tips for successful efforts. Explore a few possible resources, then list specific ones you want to try. For example, if my goal is to train my dog, I might put the Humane Society website on my information list.

WEBSITES (NEWS, EDUCATIONAL, OR BLOGS) | SMARTPHONE APPS | BOOKS | NEWSPAPERS
TELEVISION SHOWS | MAGAZINES | SOCIAL MEDIA

Specific sources I can use:

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EXERCISE 4.13: THINK ABOUT THE BIG PICTURE AND YOUR BIG WHY

Remember all the work we did on envisioning your ultimate goal? Keeping that dream alive is also a critical part of staying motivated. Let’s revisit your ultimate goal (or Big Picture) and why you want to achieve it. Write it in the cloud below.

Ex. I want to be independent, take care of myself, and not be afraid of my boyfriend, because I am worth more than this. I deserve a chance to have a better life.

EXERCISE 4.14: CONTROL

Even though you’ve worked hard to plan your steps and stay motivated, there will still be factors beyond your control that can impact your progress. Focusing on what you can reasonably control and letting go of things you cannot control will help you stay motivated.

Ex. Can’t control: How my boyfriend reacts to me enrolling in medical billing classes

How long it takes me to get a job after I complete the certificate program

The school’s decision regarding my financial aid application

Can control: Making sure I actually fill out all the needed application forms

Standing up for myself when my boyfriend puts down my ambitions

Getting myself to the classes on time

Taking responsibility for learning and doing my homework

EXERCISE 4.15: SMALL STEPS

Think about your SMART goal and objectives. Trying to introduce many big, new changes into your life might mean setting yourself up for failure. Instead, try breaking down some of the larger steps into smaller ones.

What are some small steps you can take? Brainstorm ideas for little things you can start to do and build on as you get more confident.

OBJECTIVE | IDEAS
| I will fill my fridge with healthy foods that are enjoyable and filling.
Objective 3: I will limit myself to 1,800 calories a day. | I will decide what kinds of high-fat and high-carbohydrate foods I am willing to postpone eating for now.

EXERCISE 4.16: BE CONSISTENT

Create a schedule that includes consistent time to focus on your goal plan. Look over the exercises you have completed so far. What are some activities you can do consistently (not necessarily every day) to stay focused and motivated?

Ex. Meditate each morning for five minutes

Commit to one positive behavior or step for the day

Set a day or timeline to reward my progress or accomplishments

Take time for self-care at the end of each day

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You may have a lifestyle that is difficult to schedule with precision, but start with a possible schedule to identify where your goal-related tasks or activities will fit. Think about work, education, family time, meals, sleep, and hygiene.

4:30–6:00 a.m. | Wake up, weigh in, drink coffee, walk 3 miles with husband
6:00–6:45 a.m. | Shower, get dressed
6:45–7:00 a.m. | Read my affirmations, look for inspirational social media posts on weight loss, set my intentions for the day
7:00–7:30 a.m. | Pack lunch and get child up and ready for school
7:30–8:00 a.m. | Drop child off at school and drive to work
8:00 a.m.–12:00 p.m. | Work, drink water
12:00–12:30 p.m. | Eat healthy lunch
12:30–3:00 p.m. | Work, drink water
3:00–3:30 p.m. | Pick up child from school and return home, talk to child about her day
3:30–5:00 p.m. | Walk and feed the dogs, work online
5:00–6:00 p.m. | Fix healthy dinner, clean up kitchen
6:00–7:30 p.m. | Work online
7:30–9:00 p.m. | Relax with family, log food
9:00–9:30 p.m. | Get ready for bed, look for information and inspiration on social media
9:30 p.m.–4:30 a.m. | Sleep
6:00–7:00 a.m. |
7:00–8:00 a.m. |
8:00–9:00 a.m. |
9:00–10:00 a.m. |
10:00–11:00 a.m. |
11:00 a.m.–12:00 p.m. |
12:00–1:00 p.m. |
1:00–2:00 p.m. |
2:00–3:00 p.m. |
3:00–4:00 p.m. |
4:00–5:00 p.m. |
5:00–6:00 p.m. |
6:00–7:00 p.m. |
7:00–8:00 p.m. |
8:00–9:00 p.m. |
9:00–10:00 p.m. |

EXERCISE 4.17: SUPPORT SYSTEM ROLES

In part 3 (here), you identified your support system, the people who believe in you, and listed some ways they might be able to help you. Now that you have planned your action steps more clearly, revisit the list and make any necessary additions or revisions here.

WHO | HOW THEY CAN HELP
Husband | Agree to not keep junk food in the house, walk with me
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 4.18: SOCIAL SYSTEM BOUNDARIES

Some people may not be as helpful as you want them to be. Who could be less than helpful as you start to take action? These people don’t believe in you or expect you to fail. What boundaries do you need to set with them or yourself?

For example, perhaps your husband loves to eat out and suggests it frequently, even though you have stated that you want to eat at home more often so you can lose weight.

WHO | HOW I CAN SET BOUNDARIES
Husband | Suggest healthy foods we can eat at home rather than eat out
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 4.19: FINDING COMMUNITY

Here, we discussed how groups of people with a common culture, interest, or other factor can be a crucial support system when you’re pursuing your goal. Let’s brainstorm some possible communities you can explore that are relevant to your goal.

Online support/forums:----------------------------------------------------------

Support groups in your area:----------------------------------------------------------

Hobby or interest groups:----------------------------------------------------------

Programs or facilities:----------------------------------------------------------

Other:----------------------------------------------------------

Now that you’ve brainstormed some possible sources of community, which ones are most appealing?

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What actions or steps do you need to take to connect with these sources of community?

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EXERCISE 4.20: VISUALIZE RESULTS

As you look at your Action Plan and timeline, what will your change look and feel like along the way?

Imagine yourself three months from now.

I see myself sticking with my planned routine of attending medical billing classes and working at the restaurant. My boyfriend is either getting used to the idea of me going to school or we’re not together anymore. I’m spending less money going out drinking, and most nights I stay home to do schoolwork.

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Imagine yourself six months from now.

I’m spending more time with my friends, I’ve probably broken up with my boyfriend, and I’m staying with one of my friends so I can save money for a new place to live. I’m halfway through the medical billing classes and doing well.

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Imagine yourself a year from now.

I’m finishing my certificate and applying for jobs as a medical billing and coding specialist. I’m excited to get out of the restaurant business and have a steady, well-paying job with benefits.

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EXERCISE 4.21: HELPFUL IDEAS

Write down any skills, techniques, or other ideas you’ve gained from the exercises in this book that appeal to you. Rank them in order from most to least helpful. The most helpful ideas are likely those you feel most confident about or those you think have the potential for the biggest benefit.

SKILL, TECHNIQUE, OR IDEA | RANK
Small steps | 2
Inspiration (making a vision board) | 3
Mindfulness (taking time each day to clear my mind and set intentions) | 1
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EXERCISE 4.22: SELF-OBSERVATION

As you are working on creating your own specific, detailed plan of action, for at least one week keep a daily journal of observations about the behavior you’d like to change. This is also helpful when you notice you are struggling to put your plan into action. It will give you greater insight into your lifestyle and habits, and you might find patterns you can alter. For example, you may notice that the earlier you start drinking wine, the more you tend to drink.

This activity can help you strengthen your plan by making you more aware of what is working in your current life and what is not.

Each day, write down some observations about your day, then answer these questions:

WHEN DO YOU ENGAGE IN THE BEHAVIOR OR SITUATION? | WHAT IS HAPPENING AROUND YOU AND INSIDE YOU?
I find myself feeling anxious and tired of sitting in front of a computer. | Often I’m tempted to get something to eat just because I’m bored.
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EXERCISE 4.23: OBSTACLES TO OPPORTUNITIES

While there’s no way to prevent all potential setbacks, there are ways to prepare for them. One especially useful preparation technique involves analyzing a potential obstacle before it occurs.

Start with one obstacle, but feel free to repeat this exercise for each barrier you are likely to encounter.

Describe a situation or trigger that concerns you most about your chances of success.

Ex. Old friends and dealers tempting me to get high with them.

Identify the unhelpful thoughts you are having.

Just one time won’t hurt. It will feel good and I’ll have a little fun.

What feelings do you have when you think about this situation?

Anxious, excited, sad that I have to give up, powerless.

What is the likelihood of this situation actually happening?

Very likely. People don’t like to see me move on and get better. They know where I live.

What are the consequences if it does occur?

I will lose almost everything I’m working toward. I could lose a job or not get a job at all because I tested dirty. My family will be disappointed in me and my ex might not let me visit with my kids. It increases the chance I won’t get back on track.

What are some coping statements you can use to address the thoughts and feelings?

I can remember that I can tell these people to go away. And that resisting the urge to relapse will help me avoid the consequences—which I don’t want!

What actions can you take?

If dealers or old friends show up, I’ll tell them to leave, that I’m not using anymore, and that I’ll call the police for trespassing if they don’t go away. I can block their phone numbers or get a new number. Call someone for support. Maybe leave my house and go somewhere else for a bit if I’m worried the dealer might come back.

Describe how this can be an opportunity for growth.

Doing these things will help me be more confident every time I have to turn down drugs. I can learn patience, that it takes time for people to get the message that I’m changing.

It’s your turn:

Situation/Trigger:----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thoughts:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feelings:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Likelihood:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Consequences:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coping Statements:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actions:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE 4.24: THE CHANGE PLAN

BIG PICTURE GOAL: I want to feel in control of my life again.
REASONS | SPECIFIC GOAL
I’ve lost too much because of my addiction. If I start now, maybe I can rebuild a relationship with my kids, my parents, and my brother and his family. | Quit drinking and using opiates. Get clean!
ACTIONS
1. | Call local drug treatment center and make appointment ASAP. | 4. | Tell my family what I’m doing and ask for help.
2. | Get rid of all drugs and alcohol in my apartment and car. | 5. | Go to treatment.
6. | Once withdrawal symptoms have passed, go to a support group and find a sponsor.
3. | Block the numbers of all dealers and friends who are still using. | 7. | Work on building a new support system.
SUPPORT SYSTEM | MY RESOURCES
→ | Attend NA meetings to talk with people who understand how hard it is to quit. | → | I can drive or walk to get to NA.
→ | I’m able to keep my phone turned on, so I can always call or text someone for help.
→ | Talk with my treatment counselor to better understand myself and the problems that led to my addiction. | → | My family are not into drugs or getting drunk.
→ | Start calling or texting my kids each morning and evening, even if it is just to say hi or good night. |  |
→ | Meet with my parents for dinner each week to talk about how things are going. I need them to just listen and support me. Help me get used to normal again. |  |
STRENGTHS | REWARDS
| Hard worker, caring father, resourceful, stubborn, open to growth and learning | → | Extra visit with my kids
|  | → | Trip to the movies
|  | → | Download some new music
VISION OF CHANGE
I’m feeling stronger and my head is clearer. I’m attending my groups and NA meetings and not running away from what I need to do. I’m spending more time with my family. I can pass a drug testwhen applying for a job.
BARRIERS
1. | Old friends and dealers trying to get me to use—coming by my house when I don’t answer my phone, or seeing me when I’m out somewhere like the store.
2. | Reacting badly when someone doesn’t believe I’m trying to get clean.
3. | Experiencing cravings and urges.
| GETTING BACK ON TRACK
1. | Remind myself I don’t have to be perfect.
2. | Be honest and ask for help.
3. | Look at this plan, see if I need to build up my resources or self-talk, and figure out if there’s atrigger or barrier I didn’t plan for.

BIG PICTURE GOAL
REASONS | SPECIFIC GOAL
ACTIONS
1. |
2. |
3. |
4. |
SUPPORT SYSTEM | MY RESOURCES
STRENGTHS | REWARDS
VISION OF CHANGE
BARRIERS
1. |
2. |
3. |
GETTING BACK ON TRACK
1. |
2. |
3. |

EXERCISE 4.25: MONITORING YOUR PROGRESS

Keep a record of your progress, preferably checking in at least once a week. Rate yourself here for your efforts so far. You can make a form like this, or use it as a guide to journal your thoughts.

1.I have remained consistent in my effort.

None of the time
Some of the time
A fair amount of the time
Most of the time
All the time

2.I am dealing with setbacks.

None of the time
Some of the time
A fair amount of the time
Most of the time
All the time

3.I am accessing my support system.

None of the time
Some of the time
A fair amount of the time
Most of the time
All the time

4.I am developing and engaging my community.

None of the time
Some of the time
A fair amount of the time
Most of the time
All the time

5.I’m using my coping skills to stay on track.

None of the time
Some of the time
A fair amount of the time
Most of the time
All the time

Reflect on your ratings and how well your plan is working. What has worked well so far?

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What compliments have you received so far from people who notice your efforts?

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EXERCISE 4.26: DEALING WITH SETBACKS: RECOMMIT

Based on your particular change plan, choose two of these coping skills and write down how you will implement them to help you get back on track.

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RECOMMIT TO GOALS/RESTART | CONTACT POSITIVE SUPPORTS | RESET TIMETABLE
TAKE ONE ACTION TODAY | LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN | FORGIVE YOURSELF

EXERCISE 4.27: DEALING WITH SETBACKS: STRESS CHECK

Let’s face it: Stress can derail anyone. In Exercises 3.22 through 3.26, you evaluated your stress levels and identified ways to cope. When you experience a setback or you feel like giving up, take a few moments to reexamine your stress level and your coping mechanisms.

What is your stress level now? Circle the rating that fits you most at the moment.

5 = The stressor is on my mind all day.

4 = The stressor is on my mind off and on throughout the day.

3 = The stressor is on my mind, but it doesn’t disrupt my normal routine.

2 = The stressor is on my mind sometimes, and I’m somewhat confident I can cope with it.

1 = The stressor is on my mind infrequently throughout the week, and I’m confident I can successfully cope with it.

What coping mechanisms can you use? Check all that apply:

PROBLEM-FOCUSED

☐Taking action

☐Asking for hep

☐Managing my time

☐Other:-----------------------------

EMOTION-FOCUSED

☐Keeping myself busy

☐Meditating/praying

☐Writing it down

☐Reassessing the problem

☐Talking it out

☐Other:----------------------------

Describe how you will put these techniques into action to reduce your stress level.

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EXERCISE 4.28: DEALING WITH SETBACKS: SELF-CARE

When you experience setbacks or relapses, make sure you forgive yourself. Beating yourself up for not being perfect won’t get you closer to your goal; it will just lower your morale. Instead, engage in self-care, which can involve psychological, physical, emotional, spiritual, relationship, and work activities. Taking time for some self-care can put you back in a positive state of mind to refocus and recommit to your plan.

Review this list of ideas, adapted from Lisa D. Butler’s “Developing Your Self-Care Plan.” Check off the activities you would like to try or do more frequently to improve your self-care. Add any additional ideas, too.

PHYSICAL

☐Work on eating habits

☐Exercise

☐Take care of medical issues

☐Get a massage

☐Get enough sleep

☐Take vacations

☐Other:-----------------------------

☐Other:-----------------------------

PSYCHOLOGICAL/EMOTIONAL

☐Make time for self-reflection

☐Pay attention to my inner experiences (thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, feelings)

☐Write in a journal

☐Read

☐Say no to things that I don’t want to do

☐Read my affirmations

☐Allow myself to cry

☐Find things that make me laugh

☐Express myself in social action, letters, donations, messages

☐Other:-----------------------------

☐Other:-----------------------------

SPIRITUAL

☐Spend time in nature

☐Be open to inspiration

☐Be open to the unknown/not knowing

☐Pray

☐Meditate

☐Sing

☐Find a spiritual connection or community

☐Other:-----------------------------

☐Other:-----------------------------

INTERPERSONAL

☐Schedule regular dates or activities with loved ones

☐Call out-of-town relatives

☐Spend time with my pet(s)

☐Enlarge my social circle

☐Allow others to help me

☐Other:-----------------------------

☐Other:-----------------------------

EXERCISE 4.29: CHANGE YOUR PLAN

Your plan can change. Consistently evaluating your plan and making revisions is one way to remain focused on your goals. Situations change, priorities can change, and new ideas can come along. No matter the reason, you can always make changes to the plan. You can scrap the whole thing and start over, or change parts of the plan so they’re more relevant. All that is fine, and none of it means you’re any less dedicated to your goal.

To reevaluate your plan, revisit Exercise 4.25. Analyze your answers to see what is and isn’t working, and use that information to make adjustments to your Action Plan.

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A Final Word: You’re on Your Path

You made it! You’ve done a lot of thinking, preparing, and planning to get to this point. And you can go even further by staying focused on your ultimate goal.

While your goal might stay the same, the path to get there can take some unexpected turns. This is normal. You can return to this book anytime to revisit different sections, which will help you rethink your plan as much as you need. If the ultimate goal seems to be changing, go back to parts 2 and 3 to revise your desires and what’s important to you. If you stick with your goal but have trouble with your Action Plan, revisit part 4.

There is no easy way to ensure you stay motivated 100 percent of the time. No counselor, therapist, psychologist, or social worker has the power to keep you on track. It’s up to you. But I can assure you that doing your best to find and refine a plan that works for you will pay off. It’s about persistence. Keep at it and continue trying different techniques you may have found in this book or during your own search for positive information (see Exercise 4.12).

Remember that it’s okay to ask for help. No matter how many exercises you did or did not complete in this book, or how many people you’ve talked to in your support system, seeking out a licensed therapist can help you address any issues you believe are barriers to your goal. If you’re comfortable, ask friends or colleagues for recommendations. Look for someone who has experience treating the issues you want to address. A therapist is typically a licensed psychologist, a licensed professional counselor (LPC or NBCC), a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), or a licensed clinical social worker or licensed independent clinical social worker (LCSW or LICSW). These are common credentials most insurance companies accept. There’s never a wrong time to work on changing, and there’s never a wrong time to ask for help.

Resources

BOOKS

Gobin, Robyn L. The Self-Care Prescription: Powerful Solutions to Manage Stress, Reduce Anxiety and Increase Well-Being. Emeryville, CA: Althea Press, 2019.

Markway, Barbara, and Celia Ampel. The Self-Confidence Workbook: A Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt and Improving Self-Esteem. Emeryville, CA: Althea Press, 2018.

Zuckoff, Allan, and Bonnie Gorscak. Finding Your Way to Change: How the Power of Motivational Interviewing Can Reveal What You Want and Help You Get There. New York: Guilford Press, 2015.

VIDEOS/PODCASTS

Bricker, Jonathan. “The Secret to Self-Control.” TEDxRainier. Last modified December 22, 2014. Youtube.com/watch?v=tTb3d5cjSFI.

Sharot, Tali. “How to Motivate Yourself to Change Your Behavior.” TEDxCambridge. Last modified October 28, 2014. Tedxcambridge.com/talk/how-to-motivate-yourself-to-change-your-behavior.

WEBSITES

Canfield, Jack. “How to Create an Empowering Vision Board.” Accessed April 14, 2020. Jackcanfield.com/blog/how-to-create-an-empowering-vision-book.

Cognitive Behavioral Depression Clinic, Division of Psychosocial Medicine, San Francisco General Hospital, University of California, San Francisco. “Activities and Your Mood: Individual Treatment Version.” Last modified June 2008. Hss.semel.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/CBT-Provider-English.pdf.

Mindful.org. “Getting Started with Mindfulness.” Accessed April 14, 2020. Mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started.

Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers. Accessed April 14, 2020. Motivationalinterviewing.org.

National Alliance on Mental Illness. “Types of Mental Health Professionals.” Accessed April 14, 2020. Nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Types-of-Mental-Health-Professionals.

PositivePsychology.com. Accessed April 14, 2020.

Richardson, Cheryl. “How to Build a Supportive Community.” Oprah.com. Last modified December 16, 2009. Oprah.com/spirit/build-a-community-of-support/all.

Sunrise Residential Treatment Center for Teenage Girls. “DBT Distress Tolerance Skills: Your 6-Skill Guide to Navigate Emotional Crises.” Accessed April 14, 2020. Sunrisertc.com/distress-tolerance-skills.

Sunrise Residential Treatment Center for Teenage Girls. “What Are DBT Emotion Regulation Skills?” Accessed April 14, 2020. Sunrisertc.com/dbt-emotion-regulation-skills.

University at Buffalo School of Social Work. “Introduction to Self-Care.” Accessed April 14, 2020. Socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/introduction-to-self-care.html.

References

Alexander, Ronald. “5 Steps to Make Affirmations Work for You.” Psychology Today. Last modified August 15, 2011. Psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-wise-open-mind/201108/5-steps-make-affirmations-work-you.

Belanger, Lydia. “The 10 Things You Must Do to Achieve Your Goals.” Entrepreneur.com. Last modified January 27, 2017. Entrepreneur.com/article/287697.

Bernard, Michael E., and Janet L. Wolfe, eds. The REBT Resource Book for Practitioners. New York: Albert Ellis Institute, 2000.

Butler, Lisa D. “Developing Your Self-Care Plan.” University at Buffalo School of Social Work. Accessed April 14, 2020. Socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/developing-your-self-care-plan.html.

Dweck, Carol. S. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Ballantine Books, 2007.

Gobin, Robyn L. The Self-Care Prescription: Powerful Solutions to Manage Stress, Reduce Anxiety and Increase Well-Being. Emeryville, CA: Althea Press, 2019.

James, Geoffrey. “How to Cope With Setbacks.” Inc. Last modified June 7, 2013. Inc.com/geoffrey-james/how-to-cope-with-setbacks.html.

Markway, Barbara, and Celia Ampel. The Self-Confidence Workbook: A Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt and Improving Self-Esteem. Emeryville, CA: Althea Press, 2018.

Miller, W. R., J. C’de Baca, D. B. Matthews, and P. L. Wilbourne. “Personal Values Cards.” University of New Mexico, 2001. Motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/valuescardsort_0.pdf.

Miller, William. R., and Stephen Rollnick. Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change. 3rd ed. New York: Guilford Press, 2013.

Mindtools.com. “Smart Goals: How to Make Your Goals Achievable.” Accessed April 14, 2020. Mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm.

Smart-Goals-Guide.com. “Why Is Goal Setting Important?” Accessed April 14, 2020. Smart-goals-guide.com/why-is-goal-setting-important.html.

Acknowledgments

I’d like to thank my husband, Ralph, who has been my rock and my pillar for more than 30 years. He nudges me in the right direction and sometimes believes in me more than I believe in myself. I also have to thank my daughter for being patient with her busy mom. My life is more complete with her in it. Next, I want to thank everyone in my life who has believed in me. My old friend “Kayla,” who agreed to let me include her story, my social work friends and colleagues who give me moral support, and my mother and brother, who have inspired some of my examples. Last, I want to thank Stephanie and Dr. Ager, who gave me the chance in 2003 to learn about and research motivational interviewing as a research assistant on a large federal grant that studied the approach. Because of that experience, I learned about the Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers (MINT), into which I was finally accepted in 2016. That was a life-changer for me. Hopefully this book will be, too!

About the Author

Angela “Angie” Wood is a licensed clinical social worker and supervisor (LCSW-BACS), certified alcohol, tobacco and other drug social worker (C-CATODSW), motivational interviewing trainer and consultant (MINT member), and a faculty member with Walden University as well as with Southeastern Louisiana University. Driven by a strong desire to help vulnerable and disenfranchised populations, Angie earned her master’s in social work (MSW) from Southern Illinois University at Carbondale and began working in the addictions field. After working in outpatient, intensive out-patient, and inpatient settings in Illinois, Angie and her husband moved to Southeastern Louisiana, where she realized a desire to teach social work. Finishing her PhD in social work from Tulane University, Angie developed a short-term, curriculum-based substance abuse treatment program for youth in secure-care, managed federal block grant contracts, coordinated intake services across a multi-clinic organization, and directed a specialty court program funded by federal BJA grants. In 2016, Angie left social work practice to teach college students, supervise MSWs for clinical licensure, and provide training and consultation to disseminate motivational interviewing. In her free time, Angie likes to spend time with her family, play word games, read, go out to eat, and play guitar and sing in a rock band with her husband and two other university faculty members.